narcissism

Progress not perfection.  Check it out!  So, I purchased this can of shaving cream on clearance for $0.48 at Food Lion.  I bought 5 of them, actually.  The one shown in the trash bin was number 4 in my sequence of use.  After using only  25% of the product, it stopped putting out(for no good reason…oh wait, is it broken?)  I removed the top, and got a teeny tiny bit out. Feeling the weight of the remaining shaving cream–knowing it was in there, dammit, I wanted it, almost to the point of obsession.   To avoid being late for appointments, I brought can #5 into play which functions just fine. But– when I am showering without time limitation, I sit on that shower bench and work haaard, holding the can every which way, blasting it with hot water, using a safety pin to clear the valve, turning the dispenser top.  Total bullshit insanity.  But wait– 4 out of 27 times I have managed to extract just enough to shave an armpit, re-enforcing for me that maaaaybe, if I try hard enough, I can get just a little bit of what I need.  I know it is there.  Aaah, the broken effing clock strikes again.

Today was a turning point. Whatever shaving cream I squeeze from the can is not worth the effort.  It s broken, not a reflection of my brokenness.  There are other cans—that work!!  Honestly, that shitty purple can mocked me from the shower ledge.  I felt like a loser for– a) buying it b) not being able to make it work c) trying too hard d) giving up. This is a fantastic metaphor for my entanglement with my MCRs.  It is not necessary or healthy to try so hard to get what I need.  Letting go is not losing, it is making way for what works.  Let go or be dragged, right?  Oh….The broken clock in its many forms!

Tryyyyying too hard, that is a sign that I am forcing or denying, relying on willful determination. My need to tryyyyyy in this way can be traced back to my fears of scarcity and unworthiness.  But those, those are the lies and myths.  There is plenty of what is needed and I am totally worthy.  I am not great at everything,clearly, but I am nearly perfect at trying every day to do better than I did the day before.  Making better mistakes today than yesterday is for BadAsses.  Forcing and fearing is for bad asses. (more…)