gaslighting

What Is that smell? Could it be bullshit?

Transparency is on my mind lately, probably always will be at the fore front after a lifetime of gaslight experiences, always being told that I am not the best narrator of my own emotional and physical experience.  Now, the values of clarity, directness, transparency, benevolence are at the top of the list of qualities required for “trusted other” status.  These things remain static regardless of mood or desire.  Recovery teaches me that catering to erratic moods and desires is not my job, and it is impossible to do with or for people who are not even emotionally honest about their actions and motivations and natural consequences.   (more…)

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Heartfelt Apologies- A Beginning, Not an End to a Conversation

I have observed with my sister, my ex, my mother  copious apologizing for circumstances, like a messy home, burnt meat, running late due to traffic, or forgetting to close the door, but NOT for unfair behavior or poor judgment or a plain old error-perhaps innocent, but still damaging.  With them, the most acknowledgment I dare hope for is by solicitation and typically an “OK, I am sorry, move on, already.”  Oh-OK, since that feels all safe and loving. NOT.

Over the weekend, a woman whom I do not know well asked if I would watch her son from 11:30 to 3:30 on Sunday.  I was happy to help another single mom.  At 12:00 when there was no sign or word from them she texted to notify me of her plan change 12:30-4:00.  I said nothing but felt the icky/rapey feeling of someone showing disregard for my time and for me.

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