No Contact Archives - Page 12 of 30

Thank You for Teaching Me

Post author:Magda Gee
Post published:March 12, 2018
Post category:Acceptance addiction dirty secrets Faith Intimacy Self-Love Surviving Narcissistic Abuse Trauma

And so I rise from godless, shame-filled decades of anger and despair as I learn and recover from the traumatic effects of the covert abuse dynamics. I am developing faith…

The Legacy of Rage

Post author:Magda Gee
Post published:February 21, 2018
Post category:Acceptance addiction dirty secrets Faith Intimacy Mindful Parenting Self-Love Surviving Narcissistic Abuse Trauma

I contemplated deleting my last post because of all of the evidence of my anger–having difficult feelings is proof of defectiveness in my FOO, and cause for dismissal or debate. In my family of origin, I was the feeler, the over feeler, the overly sensitive one. Unable to mask or deny pain, anger, joy, confusion. I was not shown or taught to effectively manage my emotions in healthy ways. In recovery, I have learned that we cannot selectively numb feelings. Efforts to numb pain also block other feelings like joy and peace. So, I have all of these intense emotions, all of the feels, and I am trying to learn how to feel them AND not be
controlled by them. I am not ashamed of experiencing anger. Though my sometimes reactive behaviors do not elevate my self esteem. What does elevate it, is the practice of reflecting on it and being willing to own and amend what I can. My diminishing words & behavior are a reaction–a

reflection of what is going on inside me in that moment, usually fear can be found at the root. Deep sigh. (more…)

Parenting and Power Struggles

Post author:Magda Gee
Post published:February 15, 2018
Post category:Acceptance addiction Faith Intimacy Mindful Parenting Self-Love Surviving Narcissistic Abuse Trauma

My parenting game is NOT on point these days. Quick to jump in the ring with my son…I am not so unlike that defeated, blood and sweat covered boxer just swingin’ and hopin’ to connect. Neither dignity nor peace have been won in this way. Shit shit shit—healthy engagement has not been modeled for me and it is unnatural and hard AF. (more…)

Food and Truth-In Abundance

Post author:Magda Gee
Post published:January 23, 2018
Post category:Acceptance addiction dirty secrets Faith Intimacy Self-Love Surviving Narcissistic Abuse Trauma Triangulation & Smear Campaigns

The night seemed long. Wilbur’s stomach was empty and his mind was full. And when your stomach is empty and your mind is full, it’s always hard to sleep.

FOOD & TRUTH–Two things I was starved and desperate for, much of my life. Naturally, I developed food and trust issues which manifested in some pretty destructive ways. Living in a perpetual state of fear, uncertainty, and hunger will drive some very desperate thinking. Being frightened and hungry also made it difficult to fully get adequate rest. Like Winnie the Pooh says “going to bed with a full head and an empty stomach” is rough. So then, throw sleep deprivation in the mix within a home, pulsing with unspeakable rage and shame—what a mess. My inability to manage was viewed as the problem rather than the symptom– typical in these arrangements. I was the canary, scapegoat, black sheep. (I will add here, that truth can be subjective. However, TRUST is what I offer my boys truth and trust- stability.) My experience, coming up in the world doubting myself and all others, especially those I counted on. That was a difficult row to hoe. The way we live and love, in our home, is rooted in immense trust in each other and faith in goodness. This way of living, loving, and parenting is one of the many miracles of recovery. (more…)