No Contact Archives - Page 30 of 30

Letter to Mom

Post author:Magda Gee
Post published:December 27, 2016
Post category:Acceptance Faith Intimacy Self-Love Surviving Narcissistic Abuse

Dear Mom,

I have confidence that you will find countless, possibly un or subconscious ways to reject me, put me in my place before you are finished with me. I find your support of my sister’s abuse from my earliest memories to be unforgivable. You want peace, maybe a single effort or word, authentically suggestive of healing would be a start. You denied me a loving and safe childhood and now knowingly behave in ways that diminish my serenity as an adult. If your passing, is the only thing to prevent you from harming me further, well that is a devastating truth. I will no longer allow you to cherry pick from my life- denying and attacking the parts you don’t favor and grabbing righteously at the parts that please you. “Low hanging fruits”–keeps coming to mind. (more…)

Golden Memories

Post author:Magda Gee
Post published:November 27, 2016
Post category:Surviving Narcissistic Abuse

Thank you, Joel Osteen, for a reminder that life is about making memories. Shared experiences and connections….rather than required and posed photos with others in close proximity. I have too many photos suggestive of good times and connection and have been often saddened that the lack of posed photos in recent years is proof of the opposite. Truth, I hide from the camera because pictures can lie…or worse, they can tell the truth! For OUR 2016 Thanksgiving, however, it would have been nice to have someone snapping pictures on the down-low, of us just doing our thing, laughing, playing, being who we are. Journalistic photos are my fave. Posing genuinely 100% pains me. I wouldn’t mind some photos of us, in action, enjoying ~~ourselves~~ each other.

In addition to OUR sweet Thanksgiving Day, today, the Sunday after Thanksgiving (maybe the start of a ritual-memory making) we decorated both Christmas Trees, while listening to COUNTRY holiday music- taking breaks to throw football, walk dogs, and eat pizza. I experience the joy in simple moments when I am present enough to just show up. I don’t recall too many good moments in my life. I recall pretending but not feeling truly good, present, visible, and welcome. For special occasions, I must ride only with those who will help me push!
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Thanksgiving Thoughts for Those Contemplating No Contact

Post author:Magda Gee
Post published:November 24, 2016
Post category:Acceptance Faith Intimacy Self-Love Surviving Narcissistic Abuse

Today’s post is for those who are suffering; doubting their worthiness. Nothing like special occasions to revive the myth that we, the unlovable, must hustle for our worth- that there are pre-requisites for unconditional belonging and nurturing love. There are those among us who understand and embrace our responsibility to share our experience and courage to Change the Things We Can.

Holidays, birthdays, and my wedding too, were times of dread, anxiety, and despair, and of course shame for not being a more happy and light-hearted and good person. “What is her problem?” “Why does she have to ruin everything? Why must she be impossible?” “Why cant she just smile for the picture?” Un-ironically(Is that even a word?), I knowingly entered into a marriage equally nurturing, mirroring that dynamic, which for the first 32 years of my life, made me long for death. Call me dramatic, whatever. This is my story.

Looking back, I see that I was ill for most occasions. Vomiting has always been my natural and given response to stress and an immense source of relief for me. My body knows the truth–keeps the score. (more…)