Surrender…. or Try Harder, More, Better
Resignation is not acceptance-- and with my family of origin, this is especially challenging. The collective action and message which remain consistent from them: "eff you, you are unworthy and bad--…
Good Grief
I cannot help but feel charmed when I hear people in utter exasperation calmly say “Good Grief”. It is so completely wholesome(benevolent) and old school.
While grief, may not be good, it is essential, and a natural part of life. We all deserve to grieve and heal from heartbreak. My sons’ deserve a healed and whole mother. As an adult with choices, recovery of my spirit takes priority over my seat at “the family table”. My first choice is to recover with my family of origin. The alternative is to recover on my own. It has been collectively declared that “There is nothing to heal from, just move on, Already, goddammit”. My sister’s locking onto my ex-husband(any excuse at all to fawn and connect(gag)) has troubled us as co-parents, as well as divided me from our confused and aging mother. I have nearly quit judging that behavior, but still, I REFUSE to dine with abusers of my sons’ parents. The idea of sharing a meal is sickening. Our next genetic gathering will be for a death. While the passing of any family member will be unfortunate, the death itself, will not erase or stop the damage. I will pray for the grace to show up only as a mourner for the passing of whomever it is. The service will not pose as a union or a re-union. Just a memorial for the deceased; a ceremony dedicated to those who need to grieve the passing of a loved one. I respect and honor the need to grieve. For me, it will be a day of exercising courage, humility, and compassion–100% wholesome and badass.
You Spot It–You Got It
You spot it, you got it.... I was thinking of how I am most irritated by subtle little behaviors in which I assume to know the motivation…so arrogant. And the…
Heartfelt Apologies- A Beginning, Not an End to a Conversation
I have observed with my sister, my ex, my mother copious apologizing for circumstances, like a messy home, burnt meat, running late due to traffic, or forgetting to close the door, but NOT for unfair behavior or poor judgment or a plain old error-perhaps innocent, but still damaging. With them, the most acknowledgment I dare hope for is by solicitation and typically an “OK, I am sorry, move on, already.” Oh-OK, since that feels all safe and loving. NOT.
Over the weekend, a woman whom I do not know well asked if I would watch her son from 11:30 to 3:30 on Sunday. I was happy to help another single mom. At 12:00 when there was no sign or word from them she texted to notify me of her plan change 12:30-4:00. I said nothing but felt the icky/rapey feeling of someone showing disregard for my time and for me.