Heartfelt Apologies- A Beginning, Not an End to a Conversation
I have observed with my sister, my ex, my mother copious apologizing for circumstances, like a messy home, burnt meat, running late due to traffic, or forgetting to close the door, but NOT for unfair behavior or poor judgment or a plain old error-perhaps innocent, but still damaging. With them, the most acknowledgment I dare hope for is by solicitation and typically an “OK, I am sorry, move on, already.” Oh-OK, since that feels all safe and loving. NOT.
Over the weekend, a woman whom I do not know well asked if I would watch her son from 11:30 to 3:30 on Sunday. I was happy to help another single mom. At 12:00 when there was no sign or word from them she texted to notify me of her plan change 12:30-4:00. I said nothing but felt the icky/rapey feeling of someone showing disregard for my time and for me.
Instead of focusing on the most recent rejection by my mother, I will take one small action to creatively claim my living space. This image appeared in a facebook feed for laceandwhishkey. If you click the image, it will take you there. Right now, our home feels to me, a place where we sleep and keep our stuff. I hope to get busy decorating in a way expressive of who I am; what I find attractive, appealing, and comforting. I am only now discovering those parts of myself as I climb out of feeling emotionally/creatively stifled to the point of paralysis.
I simply cannot find the words to describe all the ways in which Jiu Jitsu meets our family’s needs at sensory, spiritual, and social levels. There is something so humbling and safe, and empowering in this martial art. If I had my way, classes would be three hours instead of one. My boys feel similarly and we enjoy coming home and Jiu Jitsu-ing each other. The connection, self-esteem, and confidence that happen in our studio/class defy articulation. It is not friendship so much as kinship. And I wouldn’t call it a fellowship, because I believe that requires social-talking, where this requires talking only when necessary to learn a new position or submission skill.