Me Too, Tell Me More

My recent exchange with my mother awakened in me the  exact “nature” of my lifelong experience, as her dependent and child.  If I said I was cold, rather than a sweater, snuggle, or blanket, I was offered a reading of the thermostat as proof that I could not feel that way (if I were normal, worthy, and honest).  When I reported  hunger or need a restroom, similarly, I was reminded of having recently eaten or relieved myself, OR that I was just too fucken much.  Support was available only when she shared the sentiment.  When my experience differed, I was reported to be equal parts incorrect and troublesome. I literally learned to doubt myself at a cellular level.  I was wrong about things, over which technically, I would be the ultimate authority:  hunger, exhaustion, fear, sadness, cold, a full bladder.  Right? (more…)

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Letting Go of Obsession- One Day At A Time

After more than a year of wrestling with the reality of having my family of origin show me for the last time how little I mean to them, I am feeling as if maybe I am ready, to intentionally, for a few minutes each day, focus on doing something physically, mentally, spiritually to elevate the quality of living for myself. It has been difficult to exist in close proximity to people dedicated to erasing and silencing me. My internal fight with this reality has been all-consuming.

Saturday night, my boys and I went for out pizza at a nearly vacant restaurant. We sat – just talking and laughing for quite a while.   And I cannot help but marvel at how profoundly touching these little moments are. It is true that I have been unable to create big eventy moments and adventures/ trips for us. I wished that were different but I don’t feel bad about that. What I don’t feel super about, are all of the little moments forfeited to my suffering, my need for disengagement….engulfed by rehashing & reviewing the data, checking mental lists for assurance of the patterns of unkindness, which are both denied emphatically while at the same time justified. Who wouldn’t feel crazed by this? (more…)

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Always a Third Way

In my family culture, when someone or something displeases you or interferes with your agenda, it is treated with the gravity of a criminal offense and the source is dealt with and diminished at any and all costs.  Our family home was tense, reactive, hostile.  There was screaming, hitting, name-calling, threatening–all standard responses to aggravation and disappointment.  I assumed or was maybe assigned the role of the one– who was sorry for having/expressing uncomfortable feelings as well as for causing them for others.  I thought if I was sorry enough, I could make it better.   I was the sorry one.  We all agreed to this.  Once I no longer agreed to that, there was no longer a place for me.  They will have to find a new asshole, a new person to take that seat, read from that script.  My incessant requests for a third way are dismissed and have been reported to me as having been collectively assessed as “unworthy of response”.  Oh Ok, then. (more…)

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Happy People are Kind

At the terms “happy” and “friendly“, I cannot help but wince…no joke.  Parading as perpetually happy and friendly is a tool for perception management. The awkward Pollyanna posturing as easy going, free from difficult feelings, and unfortunate choices is just silly.  Happy is not a status.

Me—I am happy when I am not required to pretend to be friendly. Hahaha

I am neither social nor friendly-that is my wiring.  And I honor that– declining social engagements with even my favorite people, because I find social events to be too much for me.  I do enjoy helping people in need, when it is safe and when I am able, but it does not mean I wish to hang out after helping.  This perplexes some.  That is Okay.  Friendly and kind are totally different.   (more…)

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