Yesterday, overly tired from waking at 4am, unable to return to sleep. I ruined myself from 4-8am, with recycled, if not hysterical thoughts of my older son and the cloud hung over his birthdayS, by his father and my sister. Lack of sleep will make a person tired. And, for someone like me, I am crushed, in the sleepless hours, by obsession with upsetting things over which I am powerless. When mentally fatigued from nights like this, I am unreasonable, insensitive to others, even the Little’s who deserve and count on a more wholesome steady source for guidance and support.
Thank Gawd for last night’s peaceful and undisrupted rest. It has restored me, for today, leaving me capable of honest self reflection.
So, for Sunday night dinner with S1 last night, to my tired mind, S1 seemed unreasonably difficult and disagreeable. My home-training says to “punish that shit–nip it in the bud! Hard!”. Recovery suggests PAUSE- practice patience and look to see what is really going on, with him, with myself. But see, I was beat and could hear mostly my own historical messages, suggesting harshness as a swift means to gain control. GROSS. Thank Gawd, Sweet Greg casually noted: “Wow, he seems tired.” SG shared this without agenda, a wise observation of an escalating struggle to get teeth cleaned and clothes put away.
Because of Greg’s sanity and love(the wholesome yummy kind), I was able to re-direct myself and ask S1: Do you want to go lie down in your bed and have alone time before returning to your dad’s? Or would you like for us all to go in my room and hang out together? He chose and raced to my room, to get in my bed, on my side, under my weighted blanket. His whole vibe elevated. He needed our proximity, without engagement, not to be alone, but to be allowed to mentally unhook, not enmeshed, abandoned or banished. I totally relate to that: the need to feel organic closeness without entanglement. THIS is exactly how I felt and what I needed, on the day that Greg agreed to our silent hike(when I tricked him into loving me), 3 years ago. Oh Sweet Greg, I am so grateful for his way. Though, I do make certain to, repeatedly, remind him that he cannot take full credit for his good spirit and cheerful attitude as he was born and raised that way. We laugh, he really is (mostly)divine. Who cares why? I take no credit for having not been born easy breezy or into a nurturing environment. I do take credit for all of the practices of love, which I am learning, in adulthood, diametrically opposed to what I experienced, observed, and believed abut love, parenting, control, connection, family, and God. I claim credit, only for the changes I am willing to make. Self reflection and correction are wholesome and badass. They are not for everyone, though.
I took on useless toxic coping and living skills(habits, more than skills) and will dutifully spend my life unlearning– and practicing better ways. I choose to break habits and cycles. I am a work in progress. #blessed
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