While striving to honor the authentic voice of who I am, I have realized a profound lack of vision for my life…no goals, other than to just hurt less…to feel and cause less pain. In my family of origin and marriage, my pain was categorized for me in one of three ways:
- pain I caused
- pain I deserved
- pain I imagined
For each of which, comfort was unavailable.
Relief for the pain has come to me through a spiritual program, which suggests that as I do my spiritual work, more will be revealed. Finding my truth is the work, the grit. My reward: teeny moments that can be identified only as grace…GOD’s grace-when things turn out differently because I have been willing to behave differently from how I naturally would have.
I once believed that my only hope for being “heard” was through excessive volume, profanity, and exaggeration. Today, I know this to be untrue. I gladly have traded those learned tactics for my spiritual practice. Still, auto-pilot tries(with some success) to take over while under the duress of those whom are best served by not knowing and respecting my voice, my truth. Today, I embrace sustained practice of intentional and gracious disengagement. It is much less painful for sure. If only it were painless.
“NO” is a complete sentence.
For today, I prioritize connection with my trusted others over the call for proximity to anything less than. Vulnerability has been illuminated for me, as the differentiator between the two dynamics–trusted other v. non-trusted other. Where I am safe and welcome to be me, there I will go. My buddy likes to joke about my teeny pink axe—because I am unafraid to detach, clean and swift, leaving no room for confusion. I love my lil teeny pink axe, wished I could find a better graphic. I think it would have a furry grip!
