Hello Friends, Last month, my Darling stumped me with “So…what do you want for your birthday?”.
In a tone suggesting, “Please don’t make me think about it.”, my knee-jerk response was “I don’t know”.
Asked by some, “What do you want for your birthday?”, I might say: “Nothing, really”, name something they’d enjoy getting me, OR roll the dice and share the truth-and wind up with a “gift” indicative of not being heard or valued.
I set out to create a list of items that appealed to me at a core level. I shared my list with Greg along with THE Rules (He welcomed both). Gifting Rules: “For any gifty occasion, please stick to the list. If on some random whim, you wish to buy me something expressive of who you are, feel free to save that for one of the 360+ days to express yourself in that way. Please do not use my birthday as an occasion to give in this familiar way. I find it upsetting”. Perhaps one day I will feel differently. He was 100% un-phased, charmed in fact, by this and in total agreement about the nature of these occasions.
My wanting and feeling were equally unwelcome in both my family and marriage- treated as burdensome defects of character. With Greg, expression of individual and collective wanting, needing, and feeling strengthens our connection, rather than weakening it. In this mutual and intentional vulnerability we thrive and expand and do not call on each other to contract.
Thank you, Oh Sweet Man, for wanting to know and celebrate me in ways that leave me feeling seen, heard, loved, celebrated. These are the gifts of life. When I receive gifts– I also recieve a message.
My husband and I have resort ed to providing a other a list-not totally restrictive, but to give the other an inkling of what we want. Then the giver can choose from the list and hopefully get what he/she really wants (like I can’t gpbuy it for myself). I find I’m a better reader of watching what he likes and picking a great gift, but him, not so much. I appreciate his desire to get me nice gifts that I’m pleased to receive. It beats the h*** out of hate days of my ex who one year (after I out my heart and soul into buying special gifts for all members of our immediate family, his family, my family, decorating, cooking … you name it, I did it. The night before Christmas when he realizes he has NO gift for me he burns a CD of songs he likes. Not even songs I liked. The beginning of the end. Can you say RESENTMENT. Today I realize I had a role in this. I married it. I never communicated my feelings about this horrible behavior except to complain to others. I guess each couple has a system. My ideal is my husband who cares to make sure nice gifts are given on all appropriate gift giving days and we spend lot of time enjoying each other on holidays. It’s not about the gifts, it’s about lasting love
It is about loving and being loved in ways that are wanted. And lasting. I am ok with no gift. But, I am not ok with receiving things that reflect either a not knowing of me or lack of desire to give me what I pleases me….only that I be pleased by what I get. I joke about THE RULES but we both laugh about them, laugh about me needing to say it to probably the only person who never needed to be told in the first place! Thank you for sharing!
You are WBA. I still have my copy of He’s not that into you-from you….really illuminated for me who not into my husband was, Thank!
Yeah, nothing says “I love you, you sexy thang” ….like a waffle iron.