Today, I read.I interview. I explore career paths and interests. I am discovering that my strengths while not remarkable, are in writing, operational procedures, logistics, and configuration management. I find deep and lasting satisfaction and effectiveness when I am engaged in these ways. I am energized.
I MUST resume a more wholesome direction- away from efforts and obsession to make things of 50 years be different. Beneath my despair and grief of the family I never had, there is the energy of who I really am, right there with my unique gifts, to enjoy, expand, and to share. I will be intentional today. What I focus on grows.
My 48 years of practical fieldwork experience with my family, has confirmed my theory 100%: When you believe you are crap it is not uncommon to feel and behave that way. One day at a time, I dig myself out from the learned shame of what it means to be me. I get the opportunity to seek the wisdom of what and who I am. This book was pivotal in helping me to become more intentional and informed- to redirect my thinking and pursuits in directions that are promising. Early on, I lost the ability to dream and to hope for myself for anything more than “not this”.
The myths from my family, about who I am…those myths belong to them. In order to remain a part of, requires buy in. I cannot abide that. I am instead investing in my higher purpose. How will I use my gifts and strengths to be of service and to lead my life in Good Orderly Direction? Teaching elementary school, my first love, was quickly abandoned for my loveless marriage. Teaching as I did, engaged my whole heart and I became unable to show up fully present in that way, while committing to a marriage that rested on the shared belief that He was an asshole because I sucked.
Now as a single and very tired mom, I cannot imagine being in a room full of little ones needing and deserving so much, when I often lack patience and energy to listen to be fully present for my own two precious sons and of course my darling Greg. Maybe I lack the self-esteem and motivation to do this for myself. For today, they will be my reason, My recovery matters greatly. This, I know. Recovery is for BadAsses. It is too much for others.
