Feeling concerned for the fallout of saying NO to the gracious awkward invitation to sit at the table with people who cast me out harshly and publicly and then demand request my appearance, I began researching how to proceed—even with my unfortunate and evil ways, of course. See, I am called to continually get over hurtful and damaging things directed at me. To act as if…
My non-coercibility has earned me the title of withholding, deserving, imagining, or causing the unkindness- which persists in this way, each time I show up for more. My recovery teaches me that I no longer have to volunteer for this. I no longer participate in my own abuse.
The abusive words and behaviors are denied entirely, labelled as my wrong perceptions, or defended as facts–sworn and believed to come from a place of honor and rightness– not hurt or anger. Hurt and anger are for losers like me. Broken enough to feel and foolish enough to share. Saddened I am, by the reminder that healing and hope for myself exist only in the absence of these dynamics. I suppose the relief is in knowing that this sickness is not uncommon and I am not alone. Bad news, I cant cure or change it, I can avoid it. Dear Family, I am unable to attend the 2016 Christmas Performance dinner. Please accept this as my rsvp.
These quotes/ images are from PsychopathResistance , a hub for support and tools to manage the devastation that continue since a return to my family of origin from my 25 years of healing on the opposite coast. I want to understand and forgive why my sister a person would do anything other than elevate and treasure the miracles of healing between my ex and myself as well as with my mother, a recent survivor of cancer. We were functioning as a larger and more loving family until…. Here is what I found from one Expert on Narcissism. I am tempted to copy and paste my email requests for resolution which have fanned the barely contained inferno of rage I observed growing over the past year. My request to resolve growing tensions earned me a scorching blast of condemnation and alienation. My mother now reports this as a difference of visions—right ones and wrong ones mine. Everyone is entitled to a vision. Mine is one in which reverence,submission, and retaliation are not par for the course–acceptable and simultaneously denied. My vision allows us all voices to share fearlessly and to sit still and to listen courageously with our hearts wanting to understand.
What is Triangulation?
Triangulation is an indirect dynamic of communication and behaviours involving more than two people that are unhealthy and unwholesome.
The trademarks of triangulation are covert operation, deceit and abuse.
The simple definition of triangulation is: one individual attacking, discrediting (smearing) or/ and abusing another person with the use of third-party people or institutions.
There are three traditional parts of the ‘triangle’. These are
1) The Persecutor – top right of the triangle
2) The Rescuer – top left of the triangle, and
3) The Persecuted – bottom of the triangle
Narcissists do not genuinely confront, claim, admit or take responsibility for these inner wounds.
Do the slightest prodding and you will discover how flimsy the ‘taking responsibility’ is.
Okay…back to triangulation…
The triangulation process begins when the narcissist acts narcissistically toward someone, the abused person reacts, and is then classified by the narcissist as ‘the enemy’.
According to the narcissist’s disordered psyche brutal offence is necessary in order to survival. The narcissist truly believes the threat needs to be eliminated, and he or she needs to get the upper hand and disable you before you attack.
Naturally people who model humanity as love, dedication and loyalty are devastated when they are ‘adored’ then ‘abhorred’ on a dime. The narcissist dehumanises in a way that is unmistakeable at these times.
The shock is ‘How can you treat me like this?’
The truth is this – the narcissist has regressed back to the stunted childhood wounds deeply embedded inside him or her. The times of feeling victimized, unacceptable, unlovable, powerless and violated.
Because these wounds are disowned they have taken on a life of their own and control the narcissist’s personality as a result of triggering severe panic, pain and rage (all responses to intense powerlessness).
The narcissist unconsciously tries to exorcise these demons by projecting them on to someone else and then destroying that person and the wounds along with them.
Of course this repeat cycle person after person after person never produces healing, results or freedom – no matter how many people the narcissist manages to ‘annihilate’.
Additionally, it doesn’t matter how much integrity you have. The narcissist believes and accuses you of things that you don’t have the capacity to think about let alone execute.
I feel desperately sorry for those whom I exercised this behavior on. This is a legacy I will not pass on, though it runs deeply through both sides of my children’s families of origin. I am not perfect at anything– but trying to do better and speaking my truth in ways that are kind and necessary and sometimes even insightful.
To the world who knew me only before recovery from my upbringing, I am so very sorry. I am changing the things I can, One day at a time. Willingness to change is for BadAsses—too scary for others! I filed for divorce the day my Ex promised, with total stoicism, that he would NEVER change or apologize ever–as there is nothing wrong with the way things were. This is the one promise I know he will keep! I would DIE if I were required to stay the same–forevvvvver, but possibly only because I am so broken,wrong, and imperfect AND must do-in order to earn less punishment. (Oh, how I cant wait to be worthy. hahahahha NOPE. Not even a little true.)
I can only thank God among my family dysfunctions this is not one of them. In my experience with narcissists, so long as you agree with everything they want/say, they might leave you alone. But that is taking one hostage in flies in the face of healing. Since a narcissist is most unlikely to agree anything is wrong with him/her, he/he won’t seek treatment, with continue to attack, will attack more feriously if you don’t “give in” or take on the abuse, the only common sense thing to do for a person who is healing from this dynamic is to remove herself from the situation. We are not responsible for other’s feelings … so remember not to let them play this guilt trip. Attendance is a choice, not coerced abuse.
You say it so well and I totally get it….AND now sadly, I figuratively hold my breath hoping they will too so they can cool their jets or back off or live and let live. It is a nightmare in the truest sense.
Thank you for being her…for being a witness and voice, for being BadAss!
Remember Maggie, “No” is a complete sentence. If there are family members you feel healthy enough to connect with *after* the holiday season invite them to visit you & your children in CA.
I had a horrible Xmas at my parent’s when my girls were little. My sister showed up with 5 (FIVE) dogs dashing through the house potentially knocking my toddlers do wn the stairs. Plus, the exhaustion of travel and packing gifts, and driving through snow …OMG. I said never again and I didn’. Luckily, my parents are kind, understanding people who accepted this. I think my sister screaming at the dogs all waking hours was worse than the dogs. And my parents violent dog bit my youngest daughter (denial: he didn’t mean to).
Just say no. Don’t respond to any guilt trips. Take good care of your own family and have a happy holiday.
Thanks. I keep waiting for them to hear me. To hear me say No and then to respect or inquire lovingly. It is so strange they deny they are abusing me and at the same time justify it by reflecting on how difficult I am with proof of shit behavior from decades ago. Of course, I was difficult. Who knows how to be easy under these circumstances. Who would want to go with that flow? It is crazy making. I know I am in line with my principles and have said and done nothing to hurt. They are confused by the reality that me not pleasing you is not an attack. You rendezvousing with my ex and my kids—that is an attack. You calling me names and telling me I am unworthy and incapable—those are attacks. Me saying No, thank you—not an attack. I cannot or accept or change this. Today, I will practice acceptance behaviors anyway and just do the next right thing. My choices as they see are to please them or pay up…either way, I foot the bill if I am anywhere near them. When I foot the bill, my children take the ultimate hit.
This is a lot like what I was going to say. Nobody is forcing you. As I read along down the page, I again noticed Joel Osteen’s wise comment:
“Who you spend your time with will have a great impact on what kind of life you live. Spend time with the right people.”
You want to be a “right person” for your sons and, I believe, your Boyfriendy Person. This takes time, work, attention and making the right choices.
What choices you are making do you doubt? I don’t want to put words In your mouth or ideas in your head, but really, are you very confident your choices are all aimed at freeing you from persecution?
I pray – PRAY – that you will awaken to your actual inner weaknesses, not ones that require or even allow for abuse, but the things that are slowing down your healing. It’s really easy to see other people’s mistakes, hard to see one’s own. Ask me!
And keep on writing and writing. You are eliciting such wonderful answers from your friends! I at least am gathering thoughts to apply to my own healing!
Yes but…..
I. Do. Not. Like. The. Reality. –Please them or pay them—Either way hurts. Pain or less pain. I suppose the only good kind of pain is that from expansion and growth, rather than the repetitive and fruitless kind.
Thank you!!
Please stay with me!
You simply don’t need to be around abusive/mean people! It’s too damaging! I think it’s brave to say no and not to put up with it!
Thanks Molly. The fear of reprisal is a beast to overcome. Why why why do I think they will ever change? The more I read, the more I see this is part of the trauma of this dysfunction. I went to some counseling sessions and am continually pointed in the direction of No Contact OR PLEASE them to avoid more of the same. I have contemplated the pleasing and capitulating, BUT if I were of the composition to do this, I would’ve never moved cross country in the first place…and I would still be married.
Deep sigh
No deep sighs necessary. Don’t feel bad they are dysfunctional to the point of wounding you.
Just smile genuinely & think how much fun it will be to spend Xmas in your Jammie’s. Peace, quiet & love.
Sometimes deep sights are the closest I get to actually breathing deeply. I swear, I have spent my life holding my breath.
Thank you for being here. It means the world.
“No contact or please them to feel more of the same”… story of my life!! I go in waves of no contact and then when I think someone has changed or it’s been enough time, or when it’s convenient I go back and nothing EVER changes.
It is too much…impossible to comprehend. You are at a place of wisdom and acceptance that eludes me. Or maybe I am getting close. It is time to stop wishing or believing anything can be different, other than my willingness to avoid them altogether without justification or expectation of understanding. Thank you for chiming in, for being here and sharing.
WBA,
My family is similar. I was shunned for the last time in 2002, after not doing something they wanted on their terms. I have stayed away since and NO CONTACT has ben my only solution to staying “out of the ring”. They still send cards or letters for occasions and sometimes requesting a casual visit as if nothing has happened. That is the crazy. The denial and pretending.
Your family needs help….and if narcissism is at play, they will claim that only you need help, and they will fight hard to win and to get you to buy in. You, get yourself some support for recovering FROM them. There is little evidence of narcissists being able to change the things they cannot see or admit about themselves. Be careful. You deserve to feel safe, loved, welcome. You are wholesomebadass.