Hi Friends,
This eCard is fantastic. My discovery of a calm “no”, for my ex and family of origin is new behavior- and can be counted on either to be ignored or to incite war. Dismissal and reprisal are reminders that it is best for me to limit proximity to anyone feeling inclined to diminish or dominate in these ways.
From me, a definitive NO without anger, profanity, fear, or volume is progress. Though apparently, it is confusing for those insistent on always being right — accustomed to provoking me until I lose it and become hysterical, substantiatng my need for unkindness or mental help. No. Nope. Ah,Ah. Ok, sorry that won’t work out but let’s work together for a better arrangement. It is acceptable for people to say No as needed. Honoring boundaries is for BadAsses. It is too much for others.
My non-coercibility and unwillingness to defend or fight has been collectively assigned the sole cause for our family dysfunction/ fracture-disconnection. Without the fighting and the pretending, there is silence and space. Peace.
Greg and I laugh tons when sharing our most petty needs and limits. Countless fun ways to express them and then of course rehash. He does this always with kindness and grace. It is possible I might, under certain conditions say in what could be considered a harsh tone, something not unlike; “I will lose my shit if you do not stop that” while his natural expression looks like; “I prefer you didn’t do that”. Makes me smile just thinking of him. I cant help but marvel at his gentle, sane, and hysterically funny ways. Here are some more examples. If he is listening to anything on his phone, I will ask if he wants to borrow my earbuds which we both know means: That sound needs to be gone. I was eating chips the other night and the bag was so crinkly and impossible. He was upstairs trying to sleep and texted down to me “Do you want me to get you a bowl for those chips?” meaning ” That sound sux”. Make it stop. Please. I love him so! Wholesome BadAss 150%!
I have little occasion to tell Greg no for too many things because he values my boundaries and my serenity. In the rest of my life, I feel called to say NO to needless complexity and turmoil– unwelcome disruptions to the serenity of my family. No. No thank you. Not at this time. Oh—and my very very favorite of all; “I am sorry, that is not going to work for US”. That one just makes my heart smile. Sometimes, I forget and offer explanation and justification—unnecessary, and in fact damaging, suggestive of a willingness to negotiate. No is not mean. No is a complete sentence! Here, say it with me. “No.” Clear and Healthy Boundaries are for BadAsses.
The current demand is that I show up for the sake of cohesion just for the holidays. My response– an offer to meet and resolve and reconcile, cursed then labelled delusional,dishonest, and unreasonable. If I were capable of pretending or even enduring, I would still be married and not have relocated cross country for more than half of my life. If pretending is all that is on the table. There is no space for me. I am not gifted or willing in this way. 
It was much easier when I was in therapy learning tactics to maneuver the dynamic with my qualifiers. In recovery, I learn instead to care for myself responsibly and without justification. Self-care is my responsibility. In my Family of Origin and marriages, it has not been a favorable thing to do if it interferes with the preferences or agendas of my Alcoholic. He wants reverence…which might be ok, but the rules are always changing and I cannot stand at attention waiting to see which way is up. It is very disorienting to remain focused on trying to please someone like this and self care becomes impossible. I am learning to say No and that it might mean that some relationships will die a natural but slow and brutal death if I continue. Sometimes, it seems like Fuck No might be more of a complete sentence…less confusing and more honest.
Well, as someone who was raised with no models of clear or healthy boundaries, I often didn’t get it for sure until it was as intense as “Fuck No”. But now, as a mother and a person in recovery, I know the value of boundaries. They are like my spiritual skin, that keep me inside me and you, well, wherever you are. My boundaries are defined only by my needs, limits, responsibilities and sometimes my preferences. i can flex on my preferences but no the others. Growing up around mental illness made it difficult to know where I stopped and others began. It was very scary feeling responsible for everything bad and powerless to make things better. In my spiritual striving, I learn how to live and let live. I didn’t know how to live MY LIFE before and so I was very busy with others, in unhealthy ways. Today I know better. I do better. I require better for myself and my young sons. Thank you for stopping by!
I just need to write about self-care and boundaries. At this very moment, I have two elderly, sort of, Brittany dogs. They are my little children. And they have different, serious illnesses. I was so inattentive, I had no idea they were sick. Sure, they were slowing down, and all dogs throw up from time to time. My girl doggy is incontinent. Anything she goes near ends up wet and smelly. She is aware of the problems this causes, and is ashamed of her poor weak body. Am I abusing her psychologically? Not on purpose, but I can see in her eyes…
The little boy, he throws up and turns out to have a digestive disorder requirement lots of expensive pills.
My girl was finally tentatively diagnosed with Addison’s Disease, which is lifelong, can be treated. Well, I’m glad both of them can be helped to reasonably long and happy lives.
BUT… We have had some terrible weather. Yesterday evening, after a day of dripping freezing rain on everything, a cold wind came up and began throwing huge branches around. One his one end of our house, another crushed a large motor home across the street. Kate went out with some guys to help pull big branches out of the street. Unless there is more of that to do today, she just plans to get out her power saw and cut things up to be hauled off. She might take some of the wood to the homeless camp.
Now I tell you this, because although this is NOT physical self-care – she has lots of back and leg-joint pain from overwork, it IS emotional self-care. She has the opportunity to prove her capability. She should have been a fireman or a Navy Seal. She is being who she is.
I am staying up all night in quite a lot of pain of different types and origins. To help out with that, I spent over an hour looking for the two cans of Roca candy Kate bought yesterday. I have stretched, done some exercise, tried lying down in my bed, which feels all wrong b/c a dog wet on in and I had to put on other, stiffer blankets. I’ve found and eaten a lot of the candy.
Both she and I get our hair cut like boys. I do my own, with her help. Her reason is that it’s more comfortable. She also wears sloppy jeans and huge, floppy T-shirts. She gets really mad when people dis her in any way over her looks. Oh, I didn’t mention her boots, which look like work boots for timber fallers. She is actually a lovely woman, but… you probably don’t know anyone quite like her. She IS very sensitive, but will not do anything to be more acceptable to “society”.
I won’t, either, but for totally different reasons. I am trying to know God. I don’t want the distraction of trying, or even succeeding, in being beautiful. I have had many men, and was just thinking over how several of them were completely besotted with me, and eventually I found one who understood who I was, was curious to know more, who loved my body, and what woman doesn’t love that?
So now I have no hair, and wear – don’t laugh- nightgowns for dresses. Several fairly upscale catalogs feature nighties that look appropriate, although Kate insists they look like good quality nightgowns, that’s all. To me, it’s self-expression and self-care.
But I am now in a state of panic. It has taken over my life. I am sick again, it feels like MS because it IS, my dogs are not only causing household problems, they are breaking my heart, I am spending money I do not have, living mostly on SS. We have the best vet in town, a mobile vet who diagnoses partly intuitively through tough, uses herbs and many other modalities I just cannot afford. But today we have to go halfway across town to get some adrenal support medicine which will be made at a compounding pharmacy. I feel like tearing my hair except I don’t have any.
It did occur to me that soaking in the tub and having something nutritious might help more than wandering around first searching for and then eating candy.
It is obvious that I must change my definition of self-care and then DO IT.
Oh boy do I relate to doggies with problems I cannot afford to address but can not deny- issues which are emotionally stressful and take a toll on our home. Using food and candy for comfort, avoiding exercise and hygiene for longer periods than I would allow for my children. Walks and long showers or baths do seem to help me. It seems a very difficult time and I am glad we share openly about how much we struggle. Trying to hide or pretend is just insult to injury…though I do prefer an isolated and hermit like existence. I only want t be exposed to safe and select others who will not overwhelm me. I wish that for you, to be surrounded by the most comforting sorts exactly and only for as long as you like. I know your doggies are your real people and am grateful for the love they experience with you. Precious little angels. Mine may be more like hostages at times than pets. I am here with you. Always! Let us not panic. Panic or pray? Hmmmm xo
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xo
I love giving my family the space to work our their confusion over respecting boundaries and surrendering enforcement of their rules on those who never agreed to the terms they offer.
Magda