Before recovery, I survived as a series of mostly unfortunate reactions. Consumed by confusion and fear of others people’s needs, demands, and criticisms I pinballed through my life- seeking only to hurt less. Never still nor quiet enough to hear what was in my heart♥. I lacked G.O.D.–Good Orderly Direction. What was clear and true in my FOO, I should get small and shut up(contract)-be less inconvenient…irritating. Overly sensitive and highly strung, my presence invited my family to lash out at me for the burden of my expression of feelings. The lashing and banishing made me become louder and more frantic. My experiences are not universal truths, yet they are real and they are MINE. Sharing my experience is how I connect and heal and grow. I go where I grow.
Because my truths and needs conflict with the desires of my FOO(Family of Origin) they resort to openly diminishing words and behaviors intended to ????. My immense Faith in a power greater than them myself leaves us divided. This is not a problem “to work on” -but an unpleasant fact, to accept. My ♥ is in the right place as I seek to surround myself with and to intentionally engage kindness, respect,expansion and elevation together with others. The FOO has reacted poorly to my reverence to a God in the place of seeking their approval and fearing their reprisal. In recovery, I have found a God of My Understanding to help me navigate and to keep my heart on the path to recovery.
Our mis-alignment is less troubling than my disconnection from The Source. I abandon no-one. Any expectation or accusation that I do so, is untrue and unwholesome. My detachment from those who do and justify demeaning behaviors is a natural consequence of my spiritual striving. Spiritual striving and alignment are 100% Wholesome and Badass. In this way, I am the best human, parent, friend, partner, and employee that I can be. I am a work in progress.
Wholesome-
As I shopped for clothes yesterday, it hit like a ton of bricks at some point it was decided that women and girls should seek ways to become a size ZERO. Your post made me think of this. Being asked to be and to play small to make room for others who need to feel big. Fuck that. Source seeking and aligning is right on. Thank you for your presence. I will be back. I tried to comment before but it was impossible. Thanks for whatever you did to make it EZ.
JoJo
JoJo,
Well there is the media and fashion directing us to become as physically small as possible in order that we be lovable. And then, for those of us who grow up in a homes of untreated mental illness and addiction, there is the requirement to NOT feel. I recall when my babies where so small and chronically ill and I was exhausted and mid-divorce and could not make a living just crying over all of this…on more than one occasion, my mother informed me there was “something”(Rx) I could take for “this”(my emotions). An emotional person, I feel joy as intensely as I do pain. I think it made perfect sense that I was emotionally sharing with my mother how deeply pained I was. It would make no sense to not be in tears and to feel anything bu utter despair. I know she meant well, but it is part of our family culture to not express feelings other than rage or delight. Seriously, nothing in the middle. I don’t want to be tiny or larger than life. Part of my healing is learning my actual size and place in the world. I had to discover boundaries and God before I could even begin to grasp the idea of being “right sized”. Practicing right sizedness means no forcing, no pretending…just being. I was not welcome to just be. Today, it is my greatest contribution to myself and my children– to model that it is ok to just be. And it is fine that some people will not like it. And it is necessary to do it anyway. Authenticity is our calling. I am answering the call and letting my heart and my GOD and only the voices of my tribe guide me. Fear was not a good God or guide for me. It did not work out—at all.
Thanks again. Size Zero says it all!
Awesomeness
My Dahling,
This is one of your best yet. Well, ir rings a big, deep-sounding bell in my heart. In my FOO, zeroness was not the issue – we were all supposed to be SOMETHING, but we didn’t get to choose. Mother had one set of criteria, Dad had another. I preferred my dad’s ideals and accomplishments, thought Mother’s were frivolous and shrinking. Intellectually and aesthetically she was a midget compared to Dad.
However, and this is a YUGE (sic) however, Dad felt that women were constitutionally incapable of reaching the upper regions of human accomplishment. In his words, and I cringe and grind my teeth even to think this: “Women cannot be geniuses. There has never been and never will be a woman genius.”
We could and did argue this point many long times. I did not think myself a genius, but that the defining point was to be my sex was simply unbearable.
So, that old glass ceiling. My dress size was practically zero. I was a dancer, a long, string-bean-like figure. My creativity zoomed through the roof. My grades would have zoomed higher than they did if I had not had to do everything to support myself as a dancer. I lived on Portland City buses (before the Tri-Met came into existence), ate synthetic mac’n’cheese for lunch b/c it was the cheapest and SOMEBODY HAD TO PAY FOR MY CLASSES AND SHOES!
Not to whine, though of course I obviously enjoy it, life was constricting. I have felt for a long time that I barely survived it, but, looking back, I worked my tushie off, and although my friends thought I was a nutter, I did it with style. MY style.
Now I feel better about myself. The decades between then and now can take a hike. I’m the glorious friend of glorious WBA and a few chosen others, and we all just BE OURSELVES. Size ??? Whatever we choose!
Best to you, object of my entire admiration!
One finally reaches a point, that they know, they are not validated by others, but ultimately only by THEMSELVES.
Fantastic blog. Brought to mind a lot of thoughts that are just too raw to share publicly. Really great feedback in the comments too.
Wait…are you saying I should not share publicly?? But, I must!
I hope you will feel safe and inclined to please share privately with me.
xo