At the terms “happy” and “friendly“, I cannot help but wince…no joke. Parading as perpetually happy and friendly is a tool for perception management. The awkward Pollyanna posturing as easy going, free from difficult feelings, and unfortunate choices is just silly. Happy is not a status.
Me—I am happy when I am not required to pretend to be friendly. Hahaha
I am neither social nor friendly-that is my wiring. And I honor that– declining social engagements with even my favorite people, because I find social events to be too much for me. I do enjoy helping people in need, when it is safe and when I am able, but it does not mean I wish to hang out after helping. This perplexes some. That is Okay. Friendly and kind are totally different.
I am direct and INtense. While learning to temper my intensity with gentleness, there is no plan to give up being direct. No longer brutal–but totally honest–emotionally honest. My feelings, words, and actions remain in alignment, no matter with whom I am speaking. This brings me closer to God and Peace. My Darling Greg is a happy dude, a master of peace and gentleness-irresistible when bothered. The grace & ease with which he handles his discontent is divine–always with benevolence, grace, and charm. Love you, baybee! Greg, you are one wholesomebadass motherfukker. AND I am blessed to have you by my side.♥
In today’s guided meditation, Gabby Bernstein says: “Happy people don’t do harmful things. Happy people are kind People doing harmful things are unhappy and un-well. Let us find compassion for them.” In true addict fashion, I have now ordered The Universe Has Your Back on Audible and am following Gabby on Facebook, signed up for everything Gabby B., via email. Her wisdom on being intentional about finding compassion and recognizing unhappiness as the source for regrettable behavior is what I need today.
I am not at a place in my recovery where I have forgotten those harmed by my previously less wholesome presence, before I knew better. I was deeply unhappy and without healthy coping skills. I am amending this, day by day. I now recognize that a person’s displeasure with my choices is an unpleasant fact for them, not a problem– failure to please you does not equal being harmful. Your discontent is not my business. Your attacking and underhanded BS totally is! Compassion for your misery may be prevent me from retaliating. Compassion for myself demands safe space from you. Compassion and kindness are not always happy and friendly but ALWAYS Badass! Hi-yah!
I’m glad to know that when I fail to please, that doesn’t mean I’m harmful. Not everyone would agree with you.
I hate that when I leave a room hearing mutterings behind my back that I feel I’ve failed to please, and it makes me wish a Wholesome BadAss could retaliate. In fact, sometimes I do. Yes, even I. Retaliate. I mutter a bit louder than the underhanded shit, “What you think doesn’t matter to me one bit. You can go eff yourself,” and here I lower my whisper, “you bitch.”
You are allowed to feel superior to someone, namely ME.
Too much love! JJ
You know what, we are here to serve only ONE. You and I may have different ONEs but we share this truth. Of course it would be lovely to be pleasing. But, the price for that is too great and the rewards are what?
What people think, of course matters to us. But it opinions of others need not direct or define us. Screw that, that is the family disease of Alcoholism trying to reel us back in. We have come too far.
I love you JJ.
Yes, they are bitches and screw them all. Now let us get on with living our lives in service to our ONE.
xoxox
It’s hard for me to believe that I’ve reached old age without having learned these things. I mean learned in a through-and-through, never forget them again way. Suddenly living with the one person who has legitimate reasons for thinking I hate her (I don’t, but I have a VERY hard time liking her sometimes) has forced me to reexamine all sorts of things.
Can I trust my perceptions? Obviously not. May I believe that the person most likable is the best person? Again, not. May I still enjoy the likable person and avoid the person who has been hurt in brutal ways, not only under my own roof, but with attestations from the likable person that I was the instigator of the behavior? Now I have myself hating everyone and wanting to go out and sit under the apple tree when we have freezing rain. I don’t like being separated from the criminal . Insanity.
The Scots used to say, “Oh, go soak yer haid!” I think I will.
Love where you ARE loved! You know the score.
JJ
Wait…but is likable the same as friendly. See, I find trustworthy and solid to be likable with a sense of humor. But that mayoral personality, baby kissing as slapping hostess of many events with lots of FB friends with their persona running their lives….That is what I am talking about…because if you speak truth and it doesn’t favor them, they will come after you.
“Happy as a status”…fascinating. Those feeling NOT good enough may seek to claim attributes which allow them to compare and judge. Judging unhappiness is an ironic thing to do. A “happy” person does not judge or compare.
Status seeking is the opposite of happy, void of true self awareness and compassion. Compassion is always the answer. While we are not responsible for other people’s “happiness” or unhappiness, we can be intentional in seeking serenity independently of how it makes others feel. Failure to please is not a crime in healthy relationships.
My advice: Seek serenity. I think “serene” might be a status, more than “happy”. It is very complex.
PsychProf