Lately, it has become apparent that the conversations need to begin now. Oh, how I want to impart healthy ideas about sex, bodies, love and intimacy. But who am I? What do I know? Please join the conversation, spread the word. Share your wisdom. We must do better for our children. With sex everywhere, we cannot be squeamish or silent and pretend it is all about love, marriage and babies, unless we want to create shame-filled sexuality for our children. I do not want that. Here is a little video, my first ever. I am eager to have the conversations with others– before I do with my sons. Please chime in here or email me or leave a comment. Let’s do this!If only I looked like a million dollars with a makeup and sound crew in my well decorated studio. Having the conversation now seems more important than all that. For Part II, maybe I will shower and wear earrings. And manage my eye contact better. Looking at the screen of myself is very uncomfortable.
That took some serious courage—from someone who goes to great effort to dodge a camera. Anything for my boys! Anything!
Apparently, this is a heavy convo. I am not requesting “answers”. Anybody claiming to have them, need not share. I am asking begging to hear experiences of learning and sharing about sex and intimacy— however you did and how that worked out and what you might do differently. Thank you for your time and your Badass courage!
Wow! Where are all the comments? Everyone I know says they either have or intend to have “real” conversations about sex with their children, even if said children are still hypothetical. But here I am, all alone and not sure what to say.
Yes, I talked to my children about sex. 2 boys and one girl. I did not know at the time that boy #1 was either already abusing his sister or perhaps soon to begin. I do not believe in any way that our conversations set him on that road.
However, perhaps because of her terrifying experiences, which scarred her for life – I won’t go into any details, including HOW COULD I NOT KNOW? – she refused to talk about sex. We also later learned that she was molested by other little boys – this all started when she was 5 or 6 – and in her later teens, she was gang raped at a party.
These events make positive talk about sex very, very difficult. My daughter was always a bit unlike other girls, but her experiences caused her to become asexual in both appearance and behavior. People think she is lesbian, but after living with her for four years now, I can say that is not the case. She is just asexual.
I would be glad to find that someone else has been the totally clueless mom in a situation like that, and that she (you) discovered ways to bring about even a little healing. Because of the activities of Satan, in whom I believe – or call it Pure Evil – I have been kept out of my older son’s life completely.
I do not believe he started that behavior because of the type of motives we consider healthy. Are children’s sexual motives different from adults’?
Because our kids were noticeably unhappy and in my daughter’s case, physically impacted in the way of being allergic to many very strange things, we sought counseling, but it did absolutely no good.
So here you are, a plate of squiggly, unspeakable worms. They can’t be spoken about because the people who were actually THERE won’t talk about them. I’ve talked to her several times, and she can tell me how she felt about the family as the matrix of her suffering, but she can’t get specific.
She married, had one child, got her tubes tied at 27, had another very passionate and perhaps healthier relationship, and that was it. Her son is an alcoholic who has tried to kill her at least twice.
I know this is awfully long, but let me make a suggestion for avoiding tragedies such as this. Look for materials developed for educating kids about sex in a slow and gentle way. The storms, the drama should be kept out of these stories and discussions. It may not be possible to show children good things about sex unless the parents are happy with each other and at ease with physical displays of kind, loving attention to each other. That is about all I can think of.
Thanks for letting me tell our traumatic experience. BTW, it took me a very long time to get into a sexual relationship where I was happy and comfortable, myself.
Love to you all, WBAs or at least, like me, a wannabe.
JJ
Dearest JJ,
I think molested people molest people. And for victims, I doubt if it ever happens just once. It is like there is a gravitational pull between one who has been molested and all the lurking molestors. I think the best we can do is to be “Trusted Others”, a term I learned here, for our children. They may still not trust us. But being a listener and a witness and a first responder is the only option and still no guarantee.
Thank you for sharing your story. It is traumatic. Hopefully it feels better to share than to keep to yourself knowing you help and strengthen others whom are afraid to admit that any such things might have gone down in their home.
Maybe we can always be on th lookout for that kid who desperately needs a trusted other. Maybe that is heal and give back. If my children ever bring home the impossible to love-kid, I will do my damnedest to be a trusted other. We cannot undo the past for anyone but we have power to make the future better by how we show up today for our future “sexual citizens”.
I also learned late in life to trust and enjoy my body and sex. Maybe it can be better for this generation. I am so sorry about your daughter and grateful to find you here.
bs
Dear BS,
Thank you for your supportive note. I agree that there is something just like a gravitational pull between the molested one and potential, or actual, practiced molesters. What can be done about those people? I bet the amount of money spent on research in this field is NOTHING compared to that for cancer or even causes of obesity. Nobody wants to think or talk about sexual crimes or even boorish behavior.
After writing my long letter above, I thought a bit and decided that the truth of the matter is that you can sugar-coat sex all you like, but you can never have very much influence for good if what feels good to your child is hurtful to someone else. You notice that gamblers gamble, drinkers drink, tweaks tweak, and sex abusers keep on abusing others sexually. I suppose the best thing is to encourage empathy and kindness. Really. This should generalize to all life situations.
Let us pray.
JJ-I 100% believe that if we teach our children self love and love in something, anything greater than them selves or any other single human, they will be able and more willing to take vigilant good care of themselves, not being a victim or a bystander or a perpetrator. I get that mental wellness and mental health also play a part here. That is also a topic for which I hold deep interest and passion. Assuming everyone is mentally well, if children feel safe and loved and have a trusted other, while they may be a victim to someone else’s deranged behavior, they will have the love and the trust to not make it be a life long secret. Secret keeping keeps us sick and perpetuates it. It is the Trusted Other part that seems to hold so much gravity here. No parent or expert will ever have all of the answers for us, but the roles we play in their lives teach them who they are and what they are worth and this determines everything….So there is that. And we are learning and practicing the gifts of serving in this way–being Trusted Others. In this way, we have organic access to these dialogs, to keep them open at least from our side. Even if and when my boys shut me down or or out, I need for them to know that I am always here and ope for healing and growing together. We need to learn and model unconditional love and regard for our whole selves. Thank you for being here. xo
I really like the idea of an ongoing dialogue like you said – instead of a “formal discussion” You make an excellent point also about not “hating their body or sex or nudity”. It really is a different animal for girls. My daughter, C., is very much like me. She did the entire drug abuse scene, got in tons of trouble with authority so she is my mini me. But I remember her being 16 years old and bawling her eyes out. I talked to her and she jerks her shirt up, no bra and yells at me that she is a “fat ass”. Let me assure you that her “body” was flawless in the eyes of the society she lived in. But due to external pressures from a million different sources this perfect 16 year old girl didn’t think her boyd stacked up. If her body didn’t stack up …..know ones did. This year I’ve gotten to spend a lot of time with her because she’s living in Bristol for about another year. We talked about those times and how she felt and what was driving all of that. The crazy thing about it to me is how little we (parents) have to do with their views on this stuff. I always wanted C. to feel free to fuck who ever she wanted with no “I’m a whore” bullshit running through her head so in a lot of ways I raised her like a boy in her attitude about sex. She is pretty open in her sexuality and has slept with many women and men. My son, J., even at 13 is very conservative….Im not even sure he’s mine lol. But he’s more worried about herpes or aides than the emotional side of sexual encounters. I told him I cheated on my girlfriend in High School and he told me he was very disappointed in me ? It’s wild watching kids grow into their own little views – it’s cool. I’m just trying to fuck him up as little as possible lol ? I swear to god I gave C. a vibrator when she was like 14 or 15 – I had just gotten her put on birthcontrol via shots’ because I wanted to be damn sure she didn’t forget to take the pill. So she looks at me like I’m crazy and I told her I’d much rather her just stay home and use this as opposed to running around sport fucking everyone lol. I told her I felt like that because I’m her Dad and I’d prefer she just be a lesbian ? But what I hate in myself is that if J. was gay I would have a harder time with it. I would support him and never say a negetive thing about it – and I’ve always told him it would be fine if he was gay. But in my heart I have a double standard for my daughter and son………My point is – I try! It’s obvious you try too – so you fucking rock and I bet your’e an awesome mom. It’s great to love your mom – I love my mom to this day. Moms are the shit.
BIGMAC-
I love this! I savored every single word of it. Thank you. My mom is not THE shit, more like “a shit”ahaha and I do NOT trust or like her…another contributor to shit esteem and self hatred. My boys asked if she ever even loved me and I said probably she did and still does, she has just never been kind to me. Hurts to even say that. Glad to hear you love your mawmaw. I hear you on the double standard for being gay and feel similarly. I can watch porn with two women and get turned on—but even the elusion to two men being intimate makes me feel icky. Love that little J said “Very disappointed” first of all because that means he already thinks so highly of you and that is unusually bad behavior and then because he values honor and loyalty. Sounds like you are present, honest, open an loving to your kids. There would be a lot less bad sex in the world if more of us had that experience….parents who show up as you do–wanting to be there and to connect and to listen and show acceptance. That is what I want to be sure I am doing, having had no experience of this or anything similar in my upbringing(fucken down-bringing). You are badas dad and human.
I really like the book we got from the Created By God retreat my church does in 5th grade. If we still have a copy I can get it to you, for ideas. It doesn’t cover everything mentioned & does encourage waiting til marriage… but it also has lots of good points & some that were very hard to get through. (I read it aloud with each of my sons & also went on the retreat as a chaperone.) Definitely lots of food for thought in there!
We have been talking to our son in some way about his body and sex since he asked “how do you make a baby?” at age 2. Of course age appropriate. I come from a family that was very open. We also bought a book “Where did I come from”. But mostly the conversations are organic based on experiences, TV or Movie behaviors etc. Lately at age 8, he has been talking about kissing his girlfriend. We talked about kissing. We talked about age appropriate and having things to look forward too. We talked about respecting each other and each others boundaries.
We have also always used anatomically correct names for body parts, like Penis and Vagina. Yet we’ve explained some of the less derogatory slang. He is going to hear it somewhere, so better he hear it from us…and ask questions.
Even if we are uncomfortable, we call it out and tell him we want to be open with him and work through our own discomfort. We want him to feel safe to talk to us.
It is 100% about working through our own discomfort instead of passing that on! You nailed it. Thank you. You are Badass Chick!
Big Love and Thanks for chiming in. This is not something people want to engage….because of OUR OWN Hangups…It is not just that we don’t know all the answers…ti is that it is uncomfortable. I breathed deeply an amazing deep breath because of your response. I forget to breathe or am just not super good at it.
Wow, so many great shares and opinions. What I know for sure, is we bring a ton of baggage to parenting and this topic, and I work so hard in recovery to learn and act better for my girls. And I think every generation thinks they can do better than their parents did, but that may not always be true, we all just do the best we can. My daughters are teeny and precious and I never want anyone to harm them in anyway and I want them to love themselves and not have any shame. I guess my truth is I think waiting to have sex is still a good idea, I think sex while married is so fun, comfortable, easy, I am so confident this way and really didn’t like certain things or enjoy them until I was at least 28-30. Kids are still so young these days and are taking longer to grow up, I would hate for my gals to rush something that can be really precious. I don’t have any answers, I just think there is so much to this topic, and as I see young girls love the show sex and the city, I must remind them Carrie and the girls were in their thirties and knew who they were before they explored so many sexual partners. I think it’s so important to give yourself time, and know who you are before you give your sexuality to anyone. Your body is such a beautiful gift, my prayer is my girls treat their bodies as a total treasure and don’t abuse it in any way. See, I talked too much and don’t even know if I made sense. Oh well I hope I know more when my little ones get older!????❤️❤️
Trish-
It is amazing that you are already having the conversations because of SITC…The organic start is what I am seeking and hoping to encourage. And yes on waiting to “have intercourse”….For sure. Sex where there is love and trust is amazing…but lots of the other kind of sex will happen f we don’t teach ur children about being healthy within themselves and others. Intimacy as an extension of connection—not as a way of connection. This is a huge topic and we all have a lot to work through in order to just do minimal damage. I think it all begins with self love and having trusted others. It is theist we can hoe for. Sex is good for me now because I finally have those things in my life and in my partner.
I want my boys to understand their bodies and their urges and to feel normal and safe and know what it means to handle themselves and others responsibly…I don’t watch tv in front of my boys so these themes don’t naturally come up in our home in this way. Maybe it is time.
Thank you for weighing in. There is so much discomfort and avoidance and denial with crossed fingers in this area. We must do much m ore than just hope they figure it out and don’t get hurt.
You are badass mama
Trish
I believe everything you are saying is soooo valid. In my opinion it is exactly the authentic conversation to have with your girls as the time presents itself.
While my beliefs may be a little different, we each share with our kids from our own feelings and experience and that is how they become the beautiful independent thinkers and beings they are meant to become.
My son at 2 asked me in the middle of a busy Costco (having a hot dog) about how you make a baby. My hubby was out of town. I could feel the peeps around me listening to what I was about to say.
I was nervous and didn’t know how to answer. So I asked for a few minutes to come up with something he could understand. I kept it simple and age appropriate. When I finished a minute later and realized I wasn’t breathing, he looked up and asked for more ketchup.
He got what he wanted and moved on.
Now the older couple next to me razzed me a bit.
She said: Costco has everything. I love it. I can buy a toilet, food and now I can get a sex education. Her hubby smiled and told me I did a great job.
Then a couple on my other side with 3 kids chimed in with the wife saying ” they never ask this stuff when your husband is around do they?”
Like she was reading my mind.
So taking advantage of situations as they come up is imperative. They will be more engaged and honest than a formal SEX TALK.
Just my opinion.
Keep in mind, my husband says I don’t know a stranger and will talk about almost anything. And yet as a Mom, I still want to “get it right” and do right by my son.
It takes a village is sooo true. Keeping Authentic even when you struggle actually helps them more than trying to hide it.
Trish, you have a beautiful point of view. I hope you share it with your girls when the time presents itself.
I like the approach and thoughts of having discussion as things come up naturally. I hope things work out this way with my son, when he’s ready. Having the formal and announced TALK seems scary for both parties. I remember dreading the time my father announced we Needed to Talk!
We just need to be honest about all aspects and leave the old myths to rest.