When Your Mother Is Just Not That Into You
I learned today that my mother is not doing well. She will go for a CATscan next week and then there will be information regarding the status of her health. I suspect…
GPS Your Heart
Before recovery, I survived as a series of mostly unfortunate reactions. Consumed by confusion and fear of others people’s needs, demands, and criticisms I pinballed through my life- seeking only to hurt less. Never still nor quiet enough to hear what was in my heart♥. I lacked G.O.D.–Good Orderly Direction. What was clear and true in my FOO, I should get small and shut up(contract)-be less inconvenient…irritating. Overly sensitive and highly strung, my presence invited my family to lash out at me for the burden of my expression of feelings. The lashing and banishing made me become louder and more frantic. My experiences are not universal truths, yet they are real and they are MINE. Sharing my experience is how I connect and heal and grow. I go where I grow.
Together We Rise–Yes We Do
Today the world feels safer, to me. Millions willing to speak truth to power, communicating with peaceful and united action. I intend to
follow directions offered on Michael Moore’s Facebook page and stick close to those whose values, actions, and words are aligned with kindness and love for people. All people. There is but one way, together.
My ♥ feels fuller and stronger. Feelings of hope and peace almost make me feel mentally unstable– after a solid year of sustained despair. Expansion under oppression is painful. The world is shifting– and there are those so deeply encamped, that transformation and progress feel threatening. My prayer: Bless them, change me. Always. This is ONE Wholesome Badass movement in our history. One of many. It is true that my spirituality is my greatest contribution to my parenting-raising children to not sit quietly while others are being diminished or denied. Like Glennon said, “I don’t give a shit if they get straight A’s or are popular.” What matters is that they are kind and compassionate. I will remind them frequently; “There is nobody that matters more than you.” “And nobody that matters less”. (more…)
Knowing and Using Our Power for Good
“I will not pretend to feel what I do not feel or to want what I do not want. I can only learn to love myself if I am willing to learn who I am.(….) I may not choose to act on those feelings or desires, but I won’t hide them from myself.” I will not deny parts of myself for the comfort of others any more than I will await permission to feel my feelings and meet my needs. I finally understand what it means to give away power and am no longer willing because I am learning to do better. Powerful women choose love and serenity. I haaated it when people would say “Don’t be so quick to give away your power.” I had no idea what that meant or how NOT to. Contraction and explosive rage were what we practiced in our home. Contraction to suit others and explosive or passive-aggressive rage when it seemed impossible to contract tightly enough.
For some, contraction is a way of life and they require it of others and are quick to retaliate at those who do not. I am raising two lil expansive and self-actualized lovers and seekers of elevation, expansion….authentic connection. (more…)
Why Lie?
Just as some of us need more food, sleep, exercise, some of us require more time and space to recover from daily life in this overstimulating world. So silly and exhausting…
Let’s Talk About Sex-Please
Lately, it has become apparent that the conversations need to begin now. Oh, how I want to impart healthy ideas about sex, bodies, love and intimacy. But who am I?…
Happy People are Kind
At the terms “happy” and “friendly“, I cannot help but wince…no joke. Parading as perpetually happy and friendly is a tool for perception management. The awkward Pollyanna posturing as easy going, free from difficult feelings, and unfortunate choices is just silly. Happy is not a status.
Me—I am happy when I am not required to pretend to be friendly. Hahaha
I am neither social nor friendly-that is my wiring. And I honor that– declining social engagements with even my favorite people, because I find social events to be too much for me. I do enjoy helping people in need, when it is safe and when I am able, but it does not mean I wish to hang out after helping. This perplexes some. That is Okay. Friendly and kind are totally different. (more…)
On Khloe Kardashian’s Revenge Body
While on the treadmill at the Ymca, I locked onto E!’s Khloe Kardashian- Revenge Body. Seems like, with consistent safety, love, connection and support, people tend to achieve more. This is a huuuuuge differentiator– Those who DO and those who DO NOT grow up developing connection to god, family, community, and known innate talent or favorable attributes. Those blessed with any of these are the natural Badasses of the world, knowing and striving for their full potential–achieving greatness by their own internal measure–expanding natural talents and interests and seizing opportunities to give to and to serve–and not feeling the call to diminish others to elevate themselves. And there are those of us, who just want to be Ok, one day at a time as we discover our talents/interests and what it means to truly be of service, to get clear on who or what it is we intend to serve. It was not possible for me to recognize how to strive in these ways while obsessed with efforts to avoid given threats of despair. Despair was the only thing I had faith in, before recovery. Before faith, I had no models of, or experience with patience, acceptance, discipline, self-esteem, dignity, serenity.
Boundaries are for Badasses
Recovery invites me to have, recognize, and honor boundaries. Boundaries- my spiritual skin. I am naturally permeable and so without them everything gets right in and consumes me-leaving me full with other people’s information and needs, no mental space left for God or even for myself, only a need to invade someone else. My spiritual skin keeps me as me and you as you, protecting us all from the confusion of entanglement. I would describe my affiliations with my ex-husband and my family of origin as entanglements that formed before I developed boundaries– and as a consequence, died natural deaths in response to this spiritual development.My boundaries are dictated by my needs, limits, responsibilities, and desires. Desire, I may elect to willingly flex. I will forfeit my preference for the sake of compromise with others whom are also inclined. My needs, limits, and responsibilities will be attended to. If I don’t see to them, who will? Our boundaries are our operating systems and when two people’s operating systems are in conflict, that is evidence of incompatibility. I feel blessed to have found someone whose operating system is compatible with my own, even complimentary.