While grubbing Greg’s tasty taco/nacho “NYE dinner” – for no good reason, I clicked an email notification from my mother, a generous re-offering that I “get over it and we can be a family”. I am over it, just intentionally unavailable for more. Why isn’t it, instead, my older sister’s task to stop saying and doing harmful and divisive things OR to just apologize for losing her shit AT me-so we can BE A FAMILY? Why ask why? Yawn. Why are you still on this topic? Let it go, M. Get back to Greg and your paper-plated tacos. Your mother and sister are not interested in what you feel or need. You need to start a new year , already. Wake me when something actually changes.
Inclined to recognize my mother’s familiar attempt to connect(air quotes) for the New Year, I crafted the following response “Thank you for thinking of me. Happy new year. ♥, M.” acknowledging her effort and remaining 100% authentic. I don’t ignore and I don’t pretend. Screw “feeling weird and non-included”! As my sister previously asserted, Amen!
Here is to a year of intentionally present-one day at a time- selflove, no denying – no pretending. Chewing on a Marianne 
Williamson statement: “What is not love, is a call for love”. I am itching to apply this truth in some magical fixing type way. For today, I will love and look after myself, my boys’ only mother. Self-love is magical-and fixing and BadAss. Totally wholesome.
My 2017 list is simple… Mentally, it feels more doable and satisfying for me to have practices rather than resolutions. Resolutions can be broken or fail. Practices, you can just do and feel good about. Maybe I lack resolve. Maybe I just need practice. I will practice Peace.
True Peace and benevolence are Wholesome Badass!
Happy New Year to all my fellow WBAs.
WBA-
I like the knew format. I visit each day when I have my a.m. coffee and have been unable to comment with Disqus app that would block me. Glad that is all worked out. As for your mother. She is not offering you the chance to heal and resolve with her and that sounds like what you want. That may be up to you and your god to do that. Sad that you two might not have that healing. Keep praying. Miracles happen. You are Badass. Thank you for sharing your “struggles”. I will pray for a new experience for you and your family. Maybe your sister, as the apparent matriarch, will step up and make a loving gesture. Would that change things?
That you JFT–it is a work in progress. Yes Disqus made things difficult. I have deactivated it for now until I learn more. It is so interesting with my mother and sister. They say they are not mad and to put away my sorrows and we can be fine. But they have been so terribly hurtful to me and my family and in response to that, they say, well you have hurt us too.
Our hurts don’t cancel the others out. So while they deny hard feelings on their end for things they have not shared with me. They make claims that hard feelings do exist and they will put them aside. The fact is, I am not wired like that. I don’t feel safe around them. I do not accept what they have said and done and have no reason to think things will different.
I see resolution or No contact as the only options. My mother is nearing the end as quickly as my boys are growing and changing. It is very sad that resolution is so offensive to them. I cannot feel guilty about needing and holding out for that.
Keep coming back. I need community more than ever!
Big Love!
WBA