I learned today that my mother is not doing well. She will go for a CATscan next week and then there will be information regarding the status of her health. I suspect my sister will share the info with my ex-husband to pass on to me, which is….. whatever. And here his the thing. If my mother passed tomorrow, I know I wouldn’t have done one thing from the past 10 years differently. I showed up and served and reached out time after time. I took all the risk. I made myself available and vulnerable for service, healing, and connection….repeatedly and was handled like a dirty diaper, because I made decisions for my family that were best for us.
My refusal to show up for dinners and events and pretending that this didn’t and does not still happen or hurt, is the choice I make. Will her passing change things? It will not change my values or my responsibility for my own self-preservation. My mother’s rejection of my requests to heal, in addition to her overt disrespect for my detachment from situations that are harmful, keep us where we are. The presence of a loving, loyal, supportive mother will be no less in 20 years than it is today or last year. This is a painful truth- not one I can change-just accept.
I can hear it now… “She is impossible to love”, because that feels safer than saying “I was unable to give her the love she deserved”. Or “She was incapable of feeling love”. Again, safer than saying, “I am incapable of being loving and vulnerable”. Why would I want to engage or expose myself to those so utterly right, at my expense? I Surrender! I am no longer ashamed of the way you behave towards me. That is your business 100% Be right. Just do it over there and leave me to my life with those who feel and show love for me. Surrender is for Badasses. I fucken surrender my mother and sister.
Society teaches us that our parents must love us and we must love them back. Musts and shoulds are useless in the real world where we are vulnerable to all kinds of dysfunction. Sometimes we must detach from family members for our own good. We certainly can’t change them. As Maggie explained here, I think what is important for me is to be able to look back or forward (look, not stare) and self -check “will I have regrets?” If the answer is no, I’m doing the best thing for me.
From what I’ve been witness to, you have most certainly made all attempts to improve the relationship. Your efforts have been admirable! In the end, it takes two, and you can’t fix a relationship when there’s no desire from the other party. It’s an Unfortunate Fact.
Thanks G1
Very unfortunate. True. I am powerless over their unwillingness. Total acceptance for my right and responsibility to take good care of my boys and their mother. Thanks for stopping by and for chiming in.
xo
The title of this caught my eye and made me smile. As you know, my mother was not that into me, either. And she died before our relationship was “fixed”. Perhaps it couldn’t be fixed, anyway. Now I am facing the reality that my father also doesn’t have much regard for me. Trying to shed the guilt I feel over that. Was I a horrible daughter? Unlovable? Undeserving of parental affection? What did I do that was so wrong? Oh, aside from moving with my kids to Africa.
Whatever—that relationship was however many years in the making before you moved to Africa. Do not take responsibility for your parents unloving or un-nurturing responses to you and your choices. The greatest gifts we can give our children is our own healing from whatever did and did not happen with our own parents. If they were mentally ill, narcissistic or chemically dependent, that distance you experience with them totally makes sense, especial as an HSP. HSP’s require a level of nurturing and attention that causes them to feel pu upon or inadequate which nearly always leads to a pageful retaliation filled with conviction that you are the problem. That is bullshit. Let us heal together. Publicly, privately, whatever it takes. I will say my truth and if it helps anyone, great. If it makes discomfort, so what. Thank you for journeying with me. Big love always!!