Observing my family of origin from an emotionally safe distance allows me to see the extreme and intense ways of their day-to-day functioning. Frequent and casual but righteous use of the words: always, never, love, hate–the language of those so far to the left or right and so deeply encamped, that change, for them is too threatening(reserved for the broken and defective).
And, so they instead demand it of others… willingness to change confirms a lack of rightness,worthiness, and perfection. From this, I had to detach in order to save myself…My FOO fluctuates between claiming that: I abandoned them and they banished me. It is the same with my ex. When he promised to never change, I filed for divorce. He remains unsure which is “better” to take credit or to blame me for our divorce —which makes him more right and worthy; leaving or being left. I did not leave him. I left the dynamic he promised to maintain.
Perfectionists/Shamers are too painful for someone wired as I am. In recovery, I am learning to seek love and wisdom rather than proof of righteousness. In the seeking, I am restored to a life worth living and full with wholesome connection where we are all safe to be who, and as we are, not just free to feel what we feel without fear of reprisal, but rather it is a term of engagement. We solicit authenticity (and never compliance)from each other.
Courage to change is 100% wholesome and BadAss. Perfection and Shaming is 100% something else.
