Monthly Archives: April 2017

Always a Third Way

In my family culture, when someone or something displeases you or interferes with your agenda, it is treated with the gravity of a criminal offense and the source is dealt with and diminished at any and all costs.  Our family home was tense, reactive, hostile.  There was screaming, hitting, name-calling, threatening–all standard responses to aggravation and disappointment.  I assumed or was maybe assigned the role of the one– who was sorry for having/expressing uncomfortable feelings as well as for causing them for others.  I thought if I was sorry enough, I could make it better.   I was the sorry one.  We all agreed to this.  Once I no longer agreed to that, there was no longer a place for me.  They will have to find a new asshole, a new person to take that seat, read from that script.  My incessant requests for a third way are dismissed and have been reported to me as having been collectively assessed as “unworthy of response”.  Oh Ok, then. (more…)

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Dear Lord………

Ugh…my boys deserve much much more than they are being allowed.   Deep sigh.  I am more tired of this grief than anyone is of hearing about it.  The most painful part is that my family denies that there is anything to grieve and that my need to do so, is further proof of my well-earned banishment, and overall defective and troublesome existence.  I have committed to the process of releasing my family, all of them.  I don’t know why I thought my mother’s cancer or my move here would have changed anything.  It really did not, it changed my geography and my willingness to show up– to be of service at a critical time.  And it allowed  for my ex and my sister to get to know each other and to enjoy(while denying) a shared contempt for me.  They both get the ultimate triumph at the expense of my innocent young sons.  I divorced myself from each of them for identical reasons and now they are affirmed and gleefully(no joke) united.  Seriously, is it acceptable anywhere for a woman to bond with her sister’s ex at sister’s children’s expense?  I cannot help but judge.  I see why my ex is into it.  Totally.  He is far more forgivable here than she is..I guess because she claims to care so deeply for family and my sons-but these actions are so diametrically opposed to family values or any values, really.  When I asked him to step away so that maybe we could heal, he laughed and said; “Why should I?  They have zero intent to work it out with you.”  I suggested that he might then for the sake of our children.  Deep sigh.   (more…)

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Let’s Roll-Grappling On and Off the Mats

I am missing the relief from my Brazilian Jiu Jitsu classes cancelled in honor of the holiday weekend. What happens in there is pure magic. The energy exchange is like nothing else I know. My need to roll today- is intense.  The commitment to honor and humility on those mats is something close to♥ god and religion, for someone like me.   (more…)

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