My truth is that I mostly do not have a choice about my first thought, but I do have the choice to indulge it or to redirect my thoughts AWAY from obsession or reactive behavior. I learned this practice late in life. Being commanded to lighten up and get over it drove me more deeply into darkness and shame over my complete lack of knowing how. It was essential that I do so, if I wanted to belong. I see now, that it could not be modeled. You can’t teach someone how to be an entirely different person from whom they are. The message was “Be Different from how you are, dammit”. To this day, I cannot. And the miracle is- I do not apologize or even feign an intent to be other than how I am. I strive to be spiritually stronger, and to engage a closer connection to God. That will allow me to mature into the person I am meant to be. Conforming to the will of another human won’t. I don’t know what makes me a sensitive and expressive empath, picking up on energies around me, while others remain deeply unaffected. I did not choose it and I cannot un-choose it or judge it. When having your feelings and truths debated and punished is a pattern, it is time to remove yourself. Patterns don’t lie.
Trusted others possess desire to help others to calm and comfort themselves to a state of peace, because they wish peace and serenity for all. Non-trusted others will bully others to stop sharing or showing signs of distress, because that is troublesome, demanding, unreasonable. Extinguish that shit like a good girl now, Umkaaaaaay? I am grateful for the choices/tools offered to me by my program of recovery. Below is an excerpt from a book about coping with untreated mental illness in the home and the affects it has on our brains and nervous systems, our own mental health. Thanks to @wereyouinterruped on IG. This excerpt speaks directly to how I experienced my childhood home and family life, regardless of whether or not they might actually be diagnosable as BPDs or NPDs. Their emotional banishing and vanishing is still terrifying, constant eggshells; born out of the requirement to never reveal or acknowledge difficult feelings openly and directly.
“Fear is a constant companion in BP/NP families. The sudden outbursts of anger from the BP/NP, the chilling rejection and shunning, the irrational demands, and the inexplicable reasoning from the NP/BP teach family members to always be on guard, to not count on any future plans, and to watch carefully every action, word, gesture, and even facial expression. This creates a “survival” need to please the BP/NP and a sense that you are responsible for the BP/NP’s anger, hurt, and hostility.” You can click anywhere on the quoted excerpt to see more of the book.
I share here because I am now finding the words and the voice to do what is not allowed in my family of origin. I do it so I may heal, grow, and be of comfort to others who have similar experiences which make them feel terminally unique and unworthy of connection. I am here, openly reparenting myself, unlearning, together with others. I am not alone. And neither are you, if this is your story. You matter. Recovery matters. Without it, I surely would have continued the legacy of this way of living,loving,parenting. Healing and sharing our stories is wholesome and Badass. 100%. It is not for everyone. Thank you for being with me.
Instagram! It is above my pay grade. That is one thing I have determined: if something is complicated, maddening, deliberately different from every other means of communication, I don’t do that any more. I use simple language and simple, direct sentences. That way I don’t have to think hard, and neither does my reader.
Oh gads, it’s so hard being perfect! I do think that these people who exude the message “Just be Happy — Godammit!” are what me and my friends freely call malignant narcissists.
Now, that is what my mother thought I was, and I suppose most of them like to attribute to US.
We ARE unique. It’s good to realize this. We are unique, I am unique, you are unique, he is unique, she is unique, they are unique, EVERYBODY is unique, and it’s only when this is used like a curse-word or the cursing person means it to hurt that there is anything wrong with it. Say “Come over to my house for a cup of tea and I will show you my unique —(this must be something socially acceptable, at least until you get to know the person). My collection of jigsaw puzzles. How I make yogurt without heating anything or using 4 containers and making a big mess.” Etc.
Know that your kind of unique is as good as anyone’s. You are only a malignant narcissist only if you are deliberately hurting other people. If you are, that is a defect in you, and one you must study to release.
I love Girl Interrupted. I wanted to be several of the characters. Yes, I like my life just as it is, but it is not perfect. A little terminal uniqueness every so often helps, and spices things up.
Enjoy whoever you are! Do it! Give ‘er a go, as some people say!
Omg…..so true, most people are subconsciously thinking “come over to my house so I can prove how similar and or better I am” I am definitely always the opposite, if I want yo win my life, I must right away show you that I am not at all like others socially or emotionally and usually I pick the few and right people to do this with. Anyone made uncomfortable by this or needing to punish or shame is probably related to me and deserves a lot of space. I will continue my “study to release”. Something was shared with me last night that made me want to dabble some more in trying to be heard or worthy and I will dedicate today to releasing that. If my mother or sister wish to genuinely heal the damage they have imposed on my family, they will ring my phone off the hook asking “What is needed?” At least, that is what I would do if I wanted to repair and renew and connect in a relationship that I felt had been demolished or even slightly compromised by diminishing acts by me. I will not remain present for those who diminish me whether deliberate or accidental, the diminishing words and behaviors its job, and only they can take new actions or attitudes to repair. I cannot extract that. Big Surrender!
I found linked to this post from your IG acct, and so I could see the rest. As for your family, it does sound like classic addiction and NPD or BPD, though the BPD being referenced it Borderline Personality Disorder, not Bi-polar. There is a huge difference. The Borderline is the one who hates you but cant bare the thought of you leaving them. They will do nothing to make it worthwhile or healthy to stick around but will punish or entice you if you attempt to separate or detach.
I see that you are doing work on grief and forgiveness and that is soon good for you, no matter the effect with them. It does not sound, from your account, that genuine peace or connection with your family of origin is an option. It appears as though your sister has worked to perfect her plan- of access to everyone while dividing everyone from each other, classic BPD.
I am no expert, but you seem to be legitimately working toward something healthy and kind and I don’t think you will find that with her. Thanks for sharing and helping me to kill my lonely lunch break and to contemplate a relationship from my past where I felt as you do now. I will check back again. Stay strong. You sound kind and strong…your strength seems an issue for your family. Like they confuse that for defiance or something worthy of punishing. Just heal yourself. Everything and everyone else will do as they need.
All the Best,
TFS
Thank you for coming by. Yes Borderline makes more sense, than bi-polar…and yes her need to be the center or the hub with spokes that do not connect to each other has become impossibly pronounced. I do not want to be one of her spokes. The roles she has tried to play in my life are awkward complimenter or gift giver OR punisher….but not actually kind or emotionally present…just wanting to be in charge of how I feel…like her inner dialog might go something like this “I need for her to feel anxious and unwelcome when she does or says that, so maybe she will stop. OR I need for her to feel special and cool so I can get her to do this or that”…How about I think I will just be kind and accepting and let people feel and be how they are. That really is the only deal I am willing to have in my life with relations calling for my physical presence.
Thank you for saying I am kind and strong. My family would disagree. They actually say just the opposite, which affirms my reason for steering clear. I am really struggling to forgive myself for being a shell of a mother for the past year where all I want to do is lick my wounds and be checked out. They may have won whatever they are after…..but my sons lost. And honestly, I don’t think I could forgive that even if they apologized or genuinely sought forgiveness. I think they are emotional neanderthals. My healing is what matters most to my family and to me. I put that above all else. They can be a part of my healing or they can be right….and continue as they are. I work hard to stay true to this.
thanks again,
Always,
Magda Gee