Gratitude Continued
I look forward to the day when my life is not entirely focused on survival and spiritual recovery. Until then, I will just be grateful for parts of my life I…
Project Miracle
I read, re-read, and listen to all words written or spoken by Anne Lamott. Nearly two years ago, when I first moved here, I read about a project she did with a friend, Project Miracle. I believe it was from Bird by Bird. For Project Miracle, you commit with a Trusted and Willing Other, each day, before anything else, to email a list of things for which you feel grateful, even the shitty things. That turned about to be as challenging as it was fun, the shitty things for which to be grateful. The deal is- you each exchange lists but….no feedback allowed. This project may be the only ritualized part of my life to which I have fully committed, since our dislocation relocation. As I look back over my sent emails, I see how the act of ritualistically acknowledging and sharing my first thoughts has helped me to practice acceptance for unpleasant facts. The no feedback or responses policy allows me to express things like: I am grateful that my mother is not more unkind to me than she is. Because I don’t want a cheerleader suggestion to see it differently. That is my space for acknowledging painful truth, on my way to acceptance. Anyway, below are some items from recent emails: (more…)
Just Be Happy-Goddammit
My truth is that I mostly do not have a choice about my first thought, but I do have the choice to indulge it or to redirect my thoughts AWAY from obsession or reactive behavior. I learned this practice late in life. Being commanded to lighten up and get over it drove me more deeply into darkness and shame over my complete lack of knowing how. It was essential that I do so, if I wanted to belong. I see now, that it could not be modeled. You can’t teach someone how to be an entirely different person from whom they are. The message was “Be Different from how you are, dammit”. To this day, I cannot. And the miracle is- I do not apologize or even feign an intent to be other than how I am. I strive to be spiritually stronger, and to engage a closer connection to God. That will allow me to mature into the person I am meant to be. Conforming to the will of another human won’t. I don’t know what makes me a sensitive and expressive empath, picking up on energies around me, while others remain deeply unaffected. I did not choose it and I cannot un-choose it or judge it. When having your feelings and truths debated and punished is a pattern, it is time to remove yourself. Patterns don’t lie. (more…)
Letting Go of Obsession- One Day At A Time
After more than a year of wrestling with the reality of having my family of origin show me for the last time how little I mean to them, I am feeling as if maybe I am ready, to intentionally, for a few minutes each day, focus on doing something physically, mentally, spiritually to elevate the quality of living for myself. It has been difficult to exist in close proximity to people dedicated to erasing and silencing me. My internal fight with this reality has been all-consuming.
Saturday night, my boys and I went for out pizza at a nearly vacant restaurant. We sat – just talking and laughing for quite a while. And I cannot help but marvel at how profoundly touching these little moments are. It is true that I have been unable to create big eventy moments and adventures/ trips for us. I wished that were different but I don’t feel bad about that. What I don’t feel super about, are all of the little moments forfeited to my suffering, my need for disengagement….engulfed by rehashing & reviewing the data, checking mental lists for assurance of the patterns of unkindness, which are both denied emphatically while at the same time justified. Who wouldn’t feel crazed by this? (more…)
Shame Shifting
No matter how much spiritual and emotional work I do, I am not able continue in this cycle and simultaneously work toward recovery. The only sane choice is self-preservation. My Good Orderly…