No matter how much spiritual and emotional work I do, I am not able continue in this cycle and simultaneously work toward recovery. The only sane choice is self-preservation. My Good Orderly Direction tells me so. A third way would be nice. Based on patterns of behaviors and attitudes of my abusers sister and mother, there is no reason to consider that a possibility. I no longer accept diminishing and divisive words and behaviors as things that I have earned. Nor will I be demanded to take responsibility for the behaviors of others. That would oppose my primary purpose. I will continue being mindful of my own words and behaviors and clean up, after myself, when I make a mess.
Coming from long lines of mental illness and untreated addiction, where every non-happy feeling is perceived as anger and responded to with anger, I picked up some unfortunate coping and operating styles. This wall of tools is the perfect metaphor for the tools for life before and now, with recovery. The left side needs little explanation.
The dustpan and brush, I need for for cleaning up little messes I make. Tape for repairing things that are fixable. Soft gloves, for handling of fragile or prickly things with care. A measuring tape and timer to help me give space and time between an incident and my response. Knee pads for the time I spend on my knees waiting and asking for guidance. A flashlight for times when it feels dark for me or a trusted other. A needle and thread for sewing back together those things which can be mended. Love is always the answer. Accepting my full range of emotions and developing healthy tools for coping are miracles of recovery. And not accepting shame shifting and continuing the cycle of abuse is wholesome and I think very badass. Maintaining a habit is much easier than breaking one- 100%
Recovery tools are wholesome and 100%badass. What are some of your metaphorical tools for life?
This is interesting. What are some of MY tools for recovery?
A nice big blackboard ( yes, an old-fashioned blackboard on my bedroom wall) where I write especially inspiring quotes or sayings, using different colors of chalk, and draw decorations around them. When someone comes into the room, they often comment on it, and that reinforces it for me.
A San Damiano crucifix over my computer. It’s a copy of the one that “spoke” to Saint Francis and told him what to do with his life. I keep hoping, and in fact my beautiful but inexpensive Jesus often makes my thoughts about what to do clearer. He could be anyone you hold in ultimate regard.
My dog Bernie, who reminds me that there is always someone to love, who loves me back. And who needs attention, planning, good food.
My daughter, who was not only good to move in with me and help me, but who constantly shows new talents and growth. This reminds me to be open to the best in others.
Prayer. Prayer. Prayer. With or without words. Prayers of gratitude, prayers for peace, prayers for anyone I learn is hurting in some way. Prayer for knowledge of God’s will for me and the strength to carry that out. I would gladly have a prayer bench for this, but my knees are so bad. Whod’a thunk that would ever happen? But also, whod’a thunk I would not let that stop me or even slow me down?
Gratitude. And telling people, God, dogs and even cats that I thank them for ….
Forgiveness. Or attempts at it. I’ve long thought that I should not have to forgive anyone, because I’m in the wrong to take what they do personally. This is not too easy, but it can be done.
Many other tools I can’t think of now. I WILL think harder about this, though.
Thanks for asking, WB.