As I plan my son’s birthday celebration, I cannot help but relive the pain of him calling me last year on his way home from a dinner hosted by my sister that included my ex husband, his sister (with whom there existed no historical relationship between my sister and them) and my children and nieces and NOT me. Initially, it made me feel ashamed and defective…like more proof of my unworthiness. My sister’s behavior is proof only of her spirit and unwholesome intentions.
And here is the thing. That hostile initiative wrecked my family by 360 degrees. To take in the full impact of her enterprise, endorsed by my own effing mother, any thing other than pain would be insane–defective, actually.
Today’s prayer: Bless her, change me. RFN! My “mother” wants nothing to do with me until I commit to getting over IT and being ok with this sort of behavior. Oh. Ok. Suit yourself. Requiring submission as a term of engagement, I cannot abide. Also passively allowing abuse makes you a people destroyer. We are all making choices, building the lives and identities of our choosing. I prefer benevolence and serenity.
One of my greatest achievements and miracles is the certainty that I don’t cause others to be abusive. AND also, I have not retaliated. Giving them nothing to work with but their own behavior and words. I love recovery. The continued unwholesome interference with MY ex and children would be impossible to live with, if not for my faith in something much greater.
I share for many reasons; to heal, to connect, to speak my truth, and to acknowledge how far I have come. I too was an abuser, before recovery. When we know better, we do better. Without recovery, I surely also would have abused my children. Breaking the cycle is wholesome, badass and 100% miraculous. The afterburn and fall out from choosing a different way, is more far reaching than I prefer, but the rewards of serenity and authenticity, by far outweigh all that is lost.
Interesting and successful people, in my experience, have endured and freely share about overcoming despair, loss and struggle. Maybe that is why I have lacked genuine interest in her efforts to converse, which seem directed entirely at the optic of her own strength and importance or awkward self-deprecation, that leaves her “audience” with the burden of affirming her.
I honestly feel, in my heart, that my failure to be observably impressed by material things or fearful of her power to do damage, drove her to commit this vile act of destruction on my lil family. I think it made her feel insignificant…but honestly, I am not impressed by stuff and I am not afraid. Kindness and courage—those things impress me. Transparency; disclosure of intent and Benevolence –fk yeh. I bow deeply and yield, only to those.
