Birthday sentiments to my female sibling who believes that being grossed out by sex is the same as being a lady. And who speaks of being phobed about by lesbians(a-hem) and worries constantly that she looks like one. I found the perfect card for you. Also, Thank you for getting born. If not for you, and wanting you to love ?me so badly, I would never have married someone just like you??And I would not have my two sons. I definitely did not do any rising above or spiritual elevation with this post. But, it is what it is. I am showing my anger, which my closest friends insist is giving THEM what they want. Hooray for them if that is true. For today, I needed to be in the ring being assholey with them. Just for today. Thank you for chiming in with comments here and on IG. For making me feel un-erased and un-awful. Also, I feel compelled to openly and unashamedly express anger…because in my family, everyone claims outrage over things, but no ownership of other feelings which are judged as “non positive/non-easy” feelings, like anger, despair, plain old sadness or hurt feelings-so careful navigation around the eggshells is a requirement. And– when a person, does openly above board express difficult feelings, they are CALLED OUT, as if defective and then dismissed. I am claiming my right to have and express feelings…perhaps in non most productive way. But I feel no shame today. Yes. I am angry. I am sad. I don’t like what they are doing- and how it harms MY family. I will not pretend otherwise, but I will grow and move in a better direction for myself and my boys. Watch out, they have feelings too and I am teaching them to name and claim and tame them but not to hide or stay close to those who require that. For my mother on this glorious day–thank you again for not only giving birth to Jilan Ghoneim but also for “wishing me well”. I really cannot wait to experience that….maybe for my birthday???
My healing is a journey, not an event—WBA
M-
To be fair, this is a slightly elevated version of your IG post. You are owning it without claiming to be right about it. Coming from a family that does not share “difficult” feelings in ways that are safe and appropriate, it is a miracle that you have said your things in only this way. It could be worse!! You are right, healing a process, not an event. Only you know which path to choose for yourself. Owning your feelings is a good path, being honest about your intentions is wholesome even of there is unkindness in them. So, all is not lost. Being grateful for your past is good–because it gave you your children. And the family you have has shown you who NOT to be. Praying for your heart to heal. Is it possible to tone it down a little without feeling as if you are playing small or reverent?
A
Thank you Apple Girl-
For showing up as a loving witness to the madness that is mine. Because of your words, I feel more heard, more understood, more connected—less erased. The feeling of being erased is too awful to bare and drives very old feeling go anger and reactivity. Thank Gawd I have a program and places to share with people who care. There is hope. I have faith.
Today got better.
Deep breaths and Big gratitude.
Magda Gee
I don’t know how anyone could be more open than you – it is a magnificent path to healing. Allowing the unwholesome feelings to show themselves but not to own you – shows complete confidence in yourself + HP. My next-in-line sibling is a man of sorts now, but he was the worst brother I can imagine, other than my son, who turned out to be a great son until he was in his 40s and I found out that he had sexually abused his sister.
What I have to say about that is that he ruined a person who might have been a wonderful daughter to me but who is angry, unwholesome, unclear, better than me in every way, in denial about her feelings, verbally abusive, who loves me, which saddens me so much because it’s so hard for me to love her. I am her greatest betrayer.
I have recently decided to pray God every time I remember, which is frequently, to take over my feelings in re Kate and do the things I CANNOT do. Forever I have prayed this insincerely, because I thought I should be able to this – first, to love my mother – then to love Kate. I eventually did love my mother, which gives me faith I can love Kate sometime, but it’s got to be HP’s doing. I’m an annoyed, angry, bored-with-it-all old woman who will never die until God invades this situation and changes the world.
I do love you and wish you were MY daughter. You are HONEST. Dear God, heal Maggie. Dear God, heal Kate and me.
Amen – Janet
Janet,
I am weeping great big beautiful much needed cleansing tears of your courageous honey and generous sharing of things that must feel impossible to say. I hope that in sharing here, you fell received and closer to healing because I will read and re-read this many times and because of you and these precious and painful truths, you have given me faith that people really are doing the best the can and we hurt each other and our selves and it is messy as fuck. I think if my mother and sister and I could be honest about how much they hate me, we might get through it but for as long as they claim love and act in hate and domination, we cannot. I wish for them the freedom you just experienced in owning how difficult and even impossible it is to love and be loved as we are meant and expected to do. What a badass you are. So fucken truthful, humility and willingness and courage are all the best things—and yet sometimes they aren’t nearly enough when we cant connect with those we are connected to, genetically linked. Fuck, why must it be so difficult? I love you, Janet. You are my Mother in so many ways…We have the gift of having never hurt or disappointed each other. Please stay with me…
Love you!
Magda Gee
Waiting for God to invade!!! xoxoxo
It’s Ok to feel angry ?
And to express anger when called for. All part of acknowledging and owning your feelings. If you don’t let it out in some form it can consume you. Pretending to not be angered is Their game, and not wholesome
Thank you G!
The more I read about those who cant tolerate honestly sharing or hearing and discussing emotions, the more it seems that my family be definition is hopelessly narcissistic or sociopathic void and incapable of compassion and empathy. And that, those are fixed pathologies, can never change or get better, not with age or therapy or medication. It is all very painful. I am so grateful I can feel sad and angry and that is not indicative of anything but being a complete, authentic, vulnerable and imperfect human with a big heart and immense capacity for feeling and healing. If only that knowledge were enough to make it hurt less or be different.
Thanks for being here and chiming in and connecting. Connection is the most wholesome and badassiest and God-like thing in the world.
Magda Gee
Wait one-WTF? “Tone it down a little…” Look, I have no problem with differing POV. But here’s where I DO have a problem: When you come to someone’s Blog, you have come to sit in their cyber living room. Would you take a dump on their carpet and then pretend that brown mess of stinky stuff that everyone saw eminate from you ass really didn’t? That it isn’t “that bad” in any event? You can guild a turd, but it’s still shit: Shiny, happy shit but shit nonetheless. The Blogger presents their rope of solid evidence. Oh but, look! No, it’s really just a string-oh, and a frayed string as well! Certainly you have my manifest “permission” (such noblesse oblige!) to tie things together with it-as long as it’s your shoes. (Yes, by all means hobble yourself. For my convenience.) Let’s ignore the huge container ship of stuff that has sailed oceans, weathered storms, seen mysteries, experienced the beauty of the Southern Cross, the Northern Lights, the breath taking calving of a glacier…no, not those. They’re too…much.
The most Fundamental Right right of every living entity is the Right to Self Defense. Even a single celled amoeba “knows” to get away from pointy stuff. Hell, a slime mold that has no brain or CNS “knows” to avoid a pile of salt. Do you even know what a Fundamental Right IS? It is that Right which is acknowledged to belong to every human being without infringing on the rights of another. Only a tyrant, a dictator would remove such from another-that is the essential spirit of tyranny.
The Blogger’s most fundamental right is their right to express their life, their experiences, their observations in what ever way they wish using what ever words or language suits their needs, conveys their Truth and captures their uniqueness without having some self-appointed, self-anointed prissy assed teacher (from on high, with only the best intentions, of course) hide behind their own discomfort by telling the Blogger, “You’re doing this wrong because it offends my sensibilities.” You have the power of “Delete.” Use it.
Deargawds of the Blogosphere, save me from such tyrants and their odious dishonesty, inauthenticity and censorship. I’m too old, too worldly and too damn experienced in ferreting out the perfidy hiding behind the vanity of self-importance, the veneer of faux humility to tolerate this crap.
wholesomebadass, rock on. Don’t let anyone dim your Light because they refuse to see.
It is so interesting how the shamers and silencers are busy at work in this way, all with the best of intentions, as far as they know, Right?
I hear you! I feel heard.
Thank you,
Magda Gee