Monthly Archives: September 2017

In a recent work encounter, the one employee that had been there longer than I, frequently laughed(but not joking) “Somebody’s gotta lose and it aint me”  That is the culture of this particular environment.  I realized how familiar this dynamic is and observed her frequently taking the bait to jump in the ring with the very aggressive owner. And she liked it, hated him but liked the drama and needed to be right.  After dealing with my ex and my sister, guided by the wisdom of my program of recovery, I have become deliberate in which conversations I will engage.  Anything inviting needless complexity, blaming, denying IS not for me.  I often interrupted a rant, to say “What action do you want me to take?  I am happy to do as needed.”  That almost always worked.  But this last one, he wasn’t having it, he was relentless in his need for battle, a win.  He wanted a submission.  I submit to God, my pets and my children.  That is it…oh and in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, I gladly submit as called for…but that is never a loss or defeat…never diminishing.  Just part of what we do.

After months of failing to wrangle me into the ring, my boss lost it…because in his mind one person must be right and win always.  You are always either a winner or a loser…and by me not playing, by his criteria, he could not be certain where he stood.  While my experience should make me expert at this– (sadly claiming my nearly 50 years of practice) I realize this is a technique/dynamic I no longer need to master.  Winning feels like losing.  Zero-sum game has never been for me.  I prefer a third way, a way to be in unity, in sync, sustaining connection via a shared value or purpose.  So, I offered to leave and return Monday if it could be different— or not at all if it could not.  He informed me, as he did the others who left in the past 2 weeks, if you walk out that door, it is because you are lazy and don’t want to work.  I said three times “The way you speak to me is hurtful and makes it difficult to focus on my work”  ” I cannot be spoken to in ways that are diminishing and be an efficient worker.”  Unwilling to acknowledge my invitation to talk it through, he came at me harder demanding engagement in a way that would force me to fight or defend.  I wished him a good weekend and walked out the door.  Thank gawd for the last guy who left and modeled for me:  Upon hearing “what….you don’t like working??”  he responded flatly, “not like this” and out he went.  3 of us in 3 weeks.  This is a 4-5 man operation tops.  Now two brand new hires and the owner remain.  Rather than continuing to try and be heard, I remembered my values.  I choose connection over being right.  I may be a ninja at deflecting that energy, but it is exhausting, and I can officially think of better ways to spend energy.  Additionally- for the type of connection I choose, there is no place for righteous and dehumanizing behavior.  I found the words below on this matter as it relates to parenting: by Jitterberry. (more…)