After reading a comment by Jessica on my previous post, I did some pen on paper writing about my sister. Thank you, Jessica. I concur, it is time for “the shift”. The shit happened–so the shift can happen. My sister happened– is happening– will continue to happen. Because there is no solution to her, she is technically not a problem, so much as an unpleasant fact. Problems have solutions. Unpleasant facts are for accepting. I want to live life on life’s terms; this is what spiritually mature people do. As one who is striving in this way, with a long way to go, I must engage the practice of acceptance– that she is an unfortunate and imposing (oh wait, that is not wholesome) term.
So, just for today, one day at a time is the only way I can survive, I will not detail her actions, assume to know her intentions, or outline the effects. I have a higher power and– it is not how I feel about her…though I have surely allowed it control over much of my thinking. Recovery teaches me, that I may not have control of my first thought, but I do have a choice(control) over my second thought. I must choose recovery over anger. Recovery does not waste energy and time rehashing or taking other people’s inventories. That is not how or who I wish to be- and living that way does indeed come at the expense of living my best life; being fully present for myself and my children. I want something better for us, all. I want to match my intention with action. To intentionally(shift) focus on my own healing, though often it seems hinged directly to some necessary transaction between us(my sister/mother((they are a single entity)) and myself) for which there really is no US.
Today, I choose more wholesome thinking and being and I will pray for the discipline to abandon old and sick urges to react and to retaliate. I am an expert at trying, a total badass! Thank you, Jessica! You are WBA 100%. Thank you for teaching me. Motherhood and Recovery are my two greatest blessings. I choose to focus on and enjoy my blessings….but just for today.
This is exactly what I needed and need now. My little kitten I got last Friday and have watched over like a mother hen – well, she disappeared. Like magic. Black magic. I only hate my life right now. MAYBE she was so tired from her traumatic life that she found a warm place to sleep a day or two and will come out and join the family, who are all ready to love and accept her. I think she is a non-physical being and we may never see her again. She has a collar and tags and a chip. She is beautiful but, possibly, totally feral. I am so unhappy. But this is life. I will face it with my Bible and a few CALs in hand.
Thank you ,
JJJJ