Count your blessings if you find any peace and joy at all from being with family, ever. Because for those of us who do not, it is very painful. Holidays illuminate this for US, and do not undo or magically heal the decades of #abuse and #betrayal. When someone, especially a family member, watches you get the beat down and says and does nothing, the beat down goes from betrayal to slaughter. ?A part of you, so deep inside, that wants to hope and believe in #love and #family, is destroyed. Be grateful if you are fortunate enough to have not experienced or witnessed such an encounter, and recognize how completely unable you are to relate. Thank God if you are compassionate enough to not minimize and dismiss the ache of those who are not so blessed, by making comments like “Can’t you just put it behind you, just for this one day? How bad could it be? You know he/she/they love you. Nobody is perfect.” True. Maybe true. But why, on a day that is meant to bring people together should anyone submit themselves to those who either openly diminish them or to those whom are ok with it? If you are one who believes there is good reason to pretend it did not and does not happen, be kind and share that, only with those who share your sentiments and lack of experience.
I am blessed in many ways this holiday season, grateful for so much. And yet- the pain ?and reality of this do not vaporize because of what the calendar indicates as a day of togetherness with those whom it is unsafe.?✂️Time changes nothing. Time doesn’t give AF. Doing the work changes things.
- Nobody earns or deserves abuse, verbal or physical. People are responsible for their own behavior and words….especially true for adults, unless they are mentally unwell and unable to rectify their behavior.
- There is no such thing as an silent and innocent bystander, with the exception of a small child.
LIES: What was communicated through speech and behaviors by the adults in my life. What I learned in my upbringing:
- Love will hurt you and it will be your own fault.
- Who I am, what I feel and say-does not matter.
- Suck up to people if you want something from them.
- Expect people you know and love to treat you badly.
- If I was lovable, none of this would have happened.
What my mother failed to recognize is that I was not just “her problem”, but I was actually my own person, with my own unique wiring and spirit. She treated me only as a problem to be dealt with. I will spend the second half of my life unlearning this. It is bullshit. And I will not knowingly perpetuate it and hand over these broken pieces of myself directly to my children. I will not. It stops here. And for the record, what I share here–is my story, my account of my experience, how I see it and remember it. It has nothing to do with how anyone else sees or remembers or feels about it. If it happened to me, it is MINE to share.
Kate and I are treating today like any other day. We did start off by naming some things we are thankful for. I hope we can continue the conversation, because she cut me off before I had finished my list, mainly saying that we see things in two different ways, she respects my choice to be positive and thankful in my feelings, but she is not there and doesn’t want to think about things my way.
In other words, as I heard, “F what you feel. I’m not thankful for very much, so don’t bother to try to make me feel ‘less-than’.” She was just telling me why she thinks we have such different attitudes to life and each other. She also SAID she thinks my experience is completely valid. But then I realized that she sees it as inferior, and I am getting more negative again towards her. Evidently, she sees me has having had lots of help ALWAYS to get to where I am, where she has had to fight every step of the way on her own. She even admits that she set herself up for her isolation.
Oh, this is negative, too, isn’t it? We should celebrate Thanksgiving with piñatas full of things like mousetraps set to spring on our fingers, worms (not gummy) wrapped up like candy, mini-bottles of poison. Voodoo dolls of us with pins in them.
Someone could get rich making and selling those, don’t you think?
I’m just letting off steam. Please have a day you will remember fondly. Love to your little ones, boys and dogs. My kitty sends her insane blessings. She loves you, too.
??? ?? Us with our kids, doin’ the best we can. ?? ? Pets, too. ?? Us having fun.
?? ?? Jayyyyyjay
Jaaayyyyyyyjay,
Thank you for being as real with me today as you are all of the days. I so dislike the call to pretend, for certain days of the year, that things are different from how they are or how we experience them. Where are the special occasions that invite us to be exactly who TF we are? I think you are so very badass for your openness with your daughter. Hats off to both of you. My mother discarded me and I gave up the fight to climb up out of the discard pile and into her lap. Thank you for being the type of presence that I would compare to a good lap to sit in, to be safe and to just BE. If we could all just be a loving lap for someone….besides our sweet pets who we can remove as desired. So glad you are loving your new kitty and that you two have discovered each other’s laps as places of comfort and joy. And for the record, I refuse to do “mandated joy”. Being told how to feel makes me immediately tense and creates that feeling of being retraumatized and inadequate for not being wired differently and for having the life experience which I have had. I relate so very strongly to both you and Kate. I relate to your recovery journey(but mostly to the sickest parts of you-which are my fave) and to her feelings of unlovability. Love to you both for all of the days of the year. xoxoxoxo
Magda