They Belong Together
It makes sense that I married a man opposed to any sort of amending or resolving of conflicts and painful moments. Not once, in the span of our short…
Sweet Surrender
Yes, I am still talking about and working through this. Healing and recovery are a process. My sons and I recently had dinner together, with their father and grandfather, which is another freaking miracle- that my dedication to my sons is greater than my resentment of their father’s affiliation with my sister. I officially resolve to no longer allow my female sibling’s initiatives to interfere with our family–by setting aside my feelings for my ex’s willingness, if not enthusiasm, to engage my sister’s agenda; foul for too many reasons to count or list. What she pursues, with my ex, requires our boys to participate in gatherings rooted in betrayal of their mother. I am their rock 24/7 365, their mama-bear. Please let them be. Honor their right to remain innocent. Show some respect. (more…)
Connection and Protection
As I contemplate, what specifically, I find so daunting, besides the obvious betrayal, about my sister and mother using my ex-husband to circumvent our issues: 
I realize that their lack of regard for creating an environment that promotes connection and a sense of safety and protection is IT. Por ejemplo (the urge to speak Spanish struck suddenly and briefly), if you are one who alienates or disrespects others, any others, I don’t want you near my children doing what you do and labelling it love. Desire is not love. Control is not love. They desire my children. Benevolent people strive to be loving and kind as a way of life, even to those who displease them. (more…)
It is Not About You
My sister would frequently snap: “Not everything is about you” when I expressed anything difficult or needing. And it made me confused in a sad and shameful way. Like it never addressed anything but the collective need for me to shut up and be different. Under the guidance of my older sister, parents, and extended family I failed to learn about me, myself, in relation to whom I am, only in relation to how pleasing or displeasing they found me to be, mostly the latter. For example, my birthday gifts and foods weren’t about me, weren’t on my list of things I liked or wanted. I was informed that those were expressions of whom they were and what they wanted to share with me and that I should be grateful…yet their raging and diminishing behaviors were purely about me AND I should remain unaffected. I still do not really get it. I have stopped trying–as that made me want to not live. (more…)
Name it To Tame it
I remember feeling amazed to learn that there is a different formulation for chemotherapy depending on the type of cancer. I thought there was just a Chemo Recipe, and you got more of it or less of it depending on how advanced or widely spread the cancer was. I was also surprised to learn that where the cancer is found, is not necessarily the type of cancer it is. For example, my mother’s cancer was found in her lungs, but it originated in her ovary, so it was Ovarian Cancer and required the correct chemicals to effectively address it, it was not lung cancer, ever. In her lungs is where it made itself known. If her Treatment Team had not been dedicated and expert at understanding the source, they may have been less effective at addressing it so completely, leaving her Cancer-Free in barely 6 months of treatment for Stage 4 Ovarian Cancer. If they had just treated it as the cancer they first saw in the lungs, as lung cancer, it would never have been cured. They had to name it(correctly) to tame it! (more…)
Winners Change and Grow, Staying the Same is for the Others
I honestly had such flawed thinking and attitudes growing up. I often felt the victim and would lash out, because in my experience with my family, I heard over and over how I made other people do and say bad things. So naturally it stands to reason that, well, when I am forced into misconduct, it is also the fault of someone else. Right? Ugh. Horrifying to look at– but so amazing to see how far I have come and what I have unlearned and managed to impart to my sons. I have been able to develop a boundary for myself to keep myself safe from attitudes towards me that are unfair, unkind, and diminishing to me. I learned to take care of myself. Finally.
There were no clear, consistent boundaries or routines discernible to me in my childhood home and family life. This was confusing for me and, I believe, played a role in inhibiting me from developing vision and purpose in my life. It prevented me from knowing what I wanted and liked. Sustaining a state of perpetual vigilance and shame–I pinballed through life running from pain and blame and chasing anything resembling connection, without learning healthy coping, thriving, or promising relationship skills. (more…)
BIRTHDAY MIRACLES
In spite of the tension that defines our relationship, my ex and I co-hosted a beautiful day and evening for our older son’s birthday. MIRACLES: Our precious TRUSTED OTHERS were available and PRESENT for this day. In addition to Will’s sweet friends and their families, my best friend of 40 years, who knows everything of me (my FOO, marriage, divorce, and the triangulation of my ex with my sister) showed up to 100% support. I let him know before hand that she was here for US, our family, not Team Magda. Her warm, friendly support is wholesome and badass magic. It is painful to reflect how people in our(his and my own) families behave as if- love is demonstrated by hating your enemies with you or demonstrating and gossiping overt displeasure and coldness for people who fail to submit and revere. But, see, my friends and trusted others have a God and souls and strive to serve and elevate others, rather than themselves. I am crying, overwhelmed by what Mary Ann does for us– nearly 
certain I would struggle mightily to do for another, what she does, with what seems pure grace and ease. I was raised differently and I am reparenting myself and unlearning as fast as I am able, in my program of recovery– learning to be open to wholesome love and to offer it and be grateful for it and to put space between anything that looks or feels like NON-LOVE….unwholesomeness. (more…)
What You Believe In, Becomes Your Reality, Your Life
Last night I was awakened by overly vivid and engaging dreams with my female progenitor and her other offspring; at my mother’s funeral. And my mother was both alive and dead, like physically attending the ceremony as one of her own mourners. She stood by my sister who approached to hug me, crying, still dressed in all white, with utter sincerity and said “I didn’t want you to keep on thinking that you hate me”. I do not hate my sister (today). I do hate righteous hyprocisy, underhandedness, being bullied and shamed, having my children exploited and unnecessarily submerged in conflict and confusion. I don’t “think I hate that”. I know I #hatethatshit 100%. (more…)
It’s That Time of Year
Shit. Shit. Shit. It is that time of year in which I relive the feelings of fear and anxiety that for me, have defined special and family occasions. It was beyond painful not getting to believe in God or Santa or the Easter bunny, not having fun or meaningful traditions with my mother and family. An utterly faithless existence, really nothing to count on but shame and guilt for being too tense, too skinny, too hungry, too needy, too clumsy, too brown, and angry about being unable to change or deny it all. And then— to still be all those shitty ways on special days in which you are supposed to be and feel all precious and secure and amazing, well that was just a fucken crusher too. So, there is that haunting trauma that I face each year from October through January…that deep longing and awful knowing that if I had been good enough or worthy, my birthdays and holidays might have been different…like the ones that people who are loved and lovable have. right? But guess what recovery teaches me. My mother’s inability to love me is a reflection of her and of course it affected me mentally and emotionally and shaped how I would be in the world—I will grieve that, but no longer take responsibility for it. As I have said, one of my more pronounced failures was that I was not a gracious and mellow abuse getter. My natural reaction was to become an infernal hurricane — a firestorm. (more…)
Home is Where You Can Afford to Live–Right?
My sons and I have recently relocated to a family oriented community filled with children and amenities that support connection and ease of access to families and school aged kids…
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