Yearly Archives: 2017

Recovery from Life

I struggle to relate to anyone asserting they have nothing to recover from. ? Every cell of my being tells me to beware of people claiming that.   Usually because they are unwilling to own their dis-ease and therefore likely to offload rather than heal it– and quick to judge and banish those honestly addressing struggle and pain. ⚠️I adore recovery and all people humble enough to do the work.  Spiritual recovery—we all lose parts of our spirits and have been injured by someone or something, in ways that we may not understand.  Recovery from low self-esteem, low self-worth, people-pleasing, depression, grief, ptsd, abuse, fear of scarcity, unhealthy coping skills, obsessions, sexual abuse, incest leading to addictions to drugs, sex, alcohol, shopping, exercising, eating, staying busy, being right or perfect—all of those “things” are responses to pain.  “Healthy striving is said to be diametrically opposing attempts at and need for  perfection, which is driven by fear, control, shame, and results in separation.  Those are all spiritual maladies for which their are spiritual solutions.”  When our focus is on how others perceive us, that is not mental or spiritual wellness, that is brokenness -which tells us look to others to see if we are ok.  Trying to guess how others will feel and respond to us can make us overwhelmed, anxious, and very controlling.  We are powerless over that.  And so long as we think and behave otherwise, we will have difficulty being our true selves and allowing others the same—the birthplace of eggshells.  The First Step in any of the fellowships teaches us that we are powerless over people, places and things.  And to live otherwise is unmanageability- in the form of tryyyyying to hard all of the time to be feel and make others feel what they do not.  It is true insanity.  Though many people dedicate a lifetime managing, controlling, and regulating others to avoid dealing with the truth of what they feel, what they have done, and what they do.  Below is an excerpt from one of my readers that feels especially relevant.  In program, seeking serenity has become my primary purpose, and my greatest miracle.  Knowing I need help and making myself available for guidance and change was the beginning of my recovery life.  Living in this way, being guided by a higher non-human power is the freedom, connection, and guidance I always needed but did not know.  So, for me it is a re-parenting of myself.  No longer controlled by my will or the will of another allows me to seek truth and serenity, to head directly into difficulty knowing that I am not alone and that I have tools and choices to help me navigate rather than avoid what must be dealt with. (more…)

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A Friend of Bill’s

Before marriage, I was a great first date and interviewee, I could usually get a second interview, date, or job, regardless of whether I actually desired it for my self.  I was auditioning for parts, trying to get “chosen”, for and by people and things I often would not choose.  Possibly, a result of never having been chosen by my mother.

That was before my loveless marriage and divorce….when my  main objective was to just pretend I could give or be what was wanted and needed and be funny while doing so.  I thought that making myself usable might morph into being valuable or useful.  It did not. (more…)

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Loving Myself, Unapologetically, and Without Permission

After last week– which required two vet visits, paw infection, antibiotics and a cone(to scrape the freshly painted walls) for one of the dogs, two pediatric visits, one for bulging ear infection and the other a fractured wrist, a stomach bug, while in mid escrow on TWO homes, transitioning jobs and a super fucked up family arrangement in which my female sibling offers the option to betray me to my ex-husband, who for obvious and unspeakable reasons, seizes the opportunity, (more…)

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The Shit Before the Shift

Waking each morning already engaged mentally in conversations with my mother pains me, unsure if we have ever really had an actual conversation, in which we were both fully present and engaged with each other. All of these mental dialogs (Me pawing again and still at my mommy for love) center around me trying to get seen, heard, validated, accepted, instead of silenced, dismissed or banished- always intense and strained and white knuckly, with the two of us in agreement on only one thing…I am and have always been the source of the “eggshells”, tension, misconduct, and harshness of those with whom she feels close.  My recovery illuminates for me, the untruth of this sentiment and I can no longer abide.  The shit has to happen before the shift can happen.  The fall before the rising.

What is also odd is that my father, who passed 30 years ago, rarely enters my mind.   I am touched occasionally by only shreds of distorted memories of fighting and weird little gifts and gestures, both of which meant the world to me in the moments in which those things bound us. What were we doing between the gifts and the fighting?

I wonder how much time is needed to grieve all that was and will never be. I wonder why I am the only one to fully experience the gravity of this….I guess it is my job to foot the bill for all the damage caused by my unfortunate existence. Actually, fuck that. I recently heard that the scapegoat is the one who cannot keep quiet and endure all of the brokenness in a system that demands you to keep quiet and endure. I am officially unapologetic for having held that role. Because of THIS, I get to live and parent differently from all of those with whom I am genetically linked who adhere to the codes of silence, blame, shame, triangulation. (more…)

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We Don’t Have to Feel Starved

On Saturday before Braziilian Jiu-Jitsu Class, we stopped for Chick-Fil-A( a huge treat, right?). My older son took one bite and said “I don’t like it”. Will you please make me burgerS with avocado and tomato when we get home from class? And this is how it goes. I always offer my sons foods they like, maybe not their favorites or the thing they are currently in the mood for, but never “offer” the two choices of: NO food OR whatever I provide you, regardless of what feels palatable (and with a
generous serving of shame and guilt for what a pain in the ass you are)…no matter the inconvenience.   Sustained hunger, for us, creates difficult energy and unnecessary stress.  The boys had a playdate scheduled straight from BJJ. S2 was ready because he ate his Chick-fil-A. S1 returned home with me for burgers with avocados and tomatoes.  (Note:  I totally get that what tastes delicious on one day may turn my
stomach on a different day, makes no sense, and yet—it is true.)  Totally unreasonable things are often true!!! Have I mentioned my sister and my ex?  Ach!  Anyhoo,There is ALWAYS a third, often less convenient and totally doable way.  Anything for my boys, within reason.  Letting anyone of us become too hungry is guaranteed discord.  Who needs or wants that?  We can fight about so many other things, but not this.  I choose the relationship over being food boss. (more…)

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