Yearly Archives: 2017

How Upsetting for Children

Thank God for Restraint…….as I surely had none before program.  While I will no longer jump in the ring, the temptation to react to degrading comments is immense.  The boys’ dad just came with his sister to pick up our children, and I asked if the schedule for our Tuesday dinner visit had been changed.  When he answered yes.  I said “No problem, in the future, can you let me know when you make plans for them on my scheduled time?”.  Verfuckenbatim! PS-this is the second request of this nature in the last 2 weeks.  I will continue asking nicely.  I won’t fight about it and I will not pretend for a moment, that it is acceptable.

And his sister sneered and said in front of our boys “on and on she goes”  …going on about what, requesting pertinent information and respect for our legal agreement, and serenity for myself and my boys?  Yes, L, I do…and I will continue to request it no matter how you object.  So grateful for enough recovery to have only, quietly uttered. while closing the door–“Your behavior  is impressive”  Mostly because I know she beleives she is impressive for reasons of which I remain unaware.   Kindness and benevolence are the most impressive things.  by this measure, I have not been impressed in the way in which may be desire.  The perpetual triangulation is impressive, just not in appositive way. Unrecovered me was tempted to say:  “Please shut up”  “And consider the gift of an unexpressed thought, particularly when unwholesome…ummmmkkkkaaaaay? Loving Aunts people do not impose this conflict on their innocent nephews, where it can be avoided.  Check yourself.” (more…)

Continue ReadingHow Upsetting for Children

Children-Make Them Feel Loved

Tension persists as my boys’ father, actively defies our legally binding custodial settlement.  Feeling even more above the law, now cozy with my sister(married to a judge).  My ex’s continued withholding information regarding changes by him for plans with our boys during my scheduled time, as well as relevant health information is hostile.  He seems hungry for a reaction, a lecture, or snarky comment by me.  Not happening.  I may however, say, in front of our children,  “Hey, when making plans for the boys during their week with me, please talk to me about it first. ” #kthanksbye.  The reason for saying it in front of them is so they may witness that what I say about him is what I will say to him, alignment of my words, actions, and principles!!!  This is recovery and progress for which I feel immensely proud.  From what I have read, the abuse that follows having a clear and sane boundary is standard reaction by those affected with NPD and untreated addiction issues.  In my FOO and marriage, making a clear request or statement of my limits was always the beginning of a cold war. (more…)

Continue ReadingChildren-Make Them Feel Loved

Love is Many Things, BUT Never Deceitful

I will begin by saying this is not my most wholesome post.  My wholesome pleas have been mocked and dismissed.  This is where I am.  Maybe tomorrow will be different.

I am feeling especially sore as we approach the one year anniversary of the birthday dinner for my son at my sister’s home to include my foo, ex, children, and my ex in-laws AND not me, followed by a confirmation group email as to why it was necessary.  The continued arrangement- and strain in co-parenting that persists as a result- seem impossible to forget or forgive.  Yes, I am angry. Anger expressed directly or openly in my family is deemed proof of defectiveness.  I respectfully, disagree.  I openly own that this is cause for anger which I will share in a place where I cannot be silenced or erased.

Recovery teaches me the value of feelings, to respect them- whether I understand or share them, they are real and can teach us, though not universal truths.  Recovery also teaches me to stick close to those who solicit authenticity, which by definition, requires non-masking of feelings and direct communication.  I limit my chosen interactions to Trusted Others– where there is no expectation to apologize for emotions and how I choose to survive what I experience as painful and abusive.  I am no longer available for the debate over the validity of my emotional experiences.   I hold myself  accountable only for my behavior, not my feelings, and definitely not for anybody else’s behavior.  

Honor loyalty with loyalty and disloyalty with space.  How do you handle disloyalty?  Is there a better way?  

Decades dedicated to futile attempts to force people #behindthecurtain to see what my sister does.  Failure. ?

In the last year, as horrifying as it is, I am grateful that Catherine Ghoneim Whitney put her #hatefulshit into group emails to which I declined response and/or responded with honor.  At first I felt #humiliated because our family culture upholds that their #badbehavior is a reflection of me.  That I cause, earn, deserve  abuse, which evidently I also imagine.  Really?  Oh.  Okay.  My miracle is that I did not at any point resort to retaliating or defending myself.  Just asking why?   Why would you do this to my children? (more…)

Continue ReadingLove is Many Things, BUT Never Deceitful

What Is that smell? Could it be bullshit?

Transparency is on my mind lately, probably always will be at the fore front after a lifetime of gaslight experiences, always being told that I am not the best narrator of my own emotional and physical experience.  Now, the values of clarity, directness, transparency, benevolence are at the top of the list of qualities required for “trusted other” status.  These things remain static regardless of mood or desire.  Recovery teaches me that catering to erratic moods and desires is not my job, and it is impossible to do with or for people who are not even emotionally honest about their actions and motivations and natural consequences.   (more…)

Continue ReadingWhat Is that smell? Could it be bullshit?

Independence Day 2017- Freedom from ……..

Waking up kid-free, people free, day off, with only my dogs and an invitation to join trusted others without a requirement to do so is niiiice. The fact is I need lots of people-free time to recover. Not to recover from the people I love(ok, well maybe a little from them) but to recover so that I have something good to give them, not just my 48 years of fatigue. I have been learning about trauma. A reality that is taboo, too obscene and scandalous to speak of, yet honest dialog is essential for healing, no matter how many decades have since passed. Time does not heal shit. Truth does. The knowledge of our experience is stored in our bodies. (more…)

Continue ReadingIndependence Day 2017- Freedom from ……..