I was raised on this line…frequently when I reported something personally difficult, unpleasant, or painful: physically or emotionally, I was told “serves you right”. The alternative response- a debate aimed at making me believe that I was imagining or misunderstanding my feelings and reality. The comfort was, I also heard they S.Y.R -message directed at all unfortunates in the world “serves them right” –clearly natural consequences for being asshole enough to voice that you might think, want, or feel differently from how my “family” did. So in this way only, I was not unique or alone. And so, I too hated all of them along side my family, and for obvious reasons, this made me lonelier and more terrified of life and people. Shared judgment and hate don’t make for a solid foundation of lasting and meaningful connection. It was not a hopeful point of departure.
I still hear the haunting message “Serves you right” and feel shame for things that would not cause shame for emotionally secure people, raised with a healthy senses of self, security, belonging, and boundaries.
My family employs over the top favoritism and flattery of people whom they find pleasing or aim to impress while shunning and shaming others. The observable contrast by both insiders and outsiders is part of the collective message and power. You please us or you pay. I am now unapologetically, not only OK with not valuing the appearance of being agreeable; I will not agree to certain things –period. Diminishing people is not something I agree to tolerate or endure or accept. This is my choice. Attacking me verbally and socially is also a choice and one natural consequence, is that I abstain from contact from any to choose that. I am now emotionally well enough to not feel shame for what others do or say. How others behave is reflection of who they are. I cannot make another person abuse, shoot,rape, love, insult, or protect me. I am not that powerful. I cannot even get my 9 year old to brush his teeth nightly. So, yeh, I am powerless over just about everything but what I do and say. I am 100% not politically correct, but I am spiritually on point and that is a win. My behaviors require no justification and align with my words and principles, no matter who is present or might hear me. When I have done harm knowingly or otherwise, I am happy to reflect and correct. I do realize that spiritual striving is not a value adopted by the socially striving. They are in direct conflict. I am literally sickened by the recognition of the type of person whose bitter heart hides behind polished and pleasing appearances, to those whom they deem worthy. So rapey. Soul rape….it is a thing.
I recall a day around the age of 7- Swimming and playing at a neighbor’s pool -I stepped on a water glass while playing chase. A large wound on the sole of my foot poured blood(making a shameful mess). What was most painful, was hearing my mother comfort the hostess, who was upset about having left her glass poolside. My mother assured her that “She(I) got what she(I) deserved, she(I) shouldn’t have been running.” For whatever reason, this memory visits me when I face pain/shame (For me, the two go together—having pain/struggle is proof of unworthiness and well earned pain). My mother literally invited the world to hate on me. Because she could not show me love, she needed for me to be seen as unlovable. My lifelong reaction to that message and campaign was unfortunate–and led to much of the wreckage of my life. I now recognize that- A person’s inability to be loving ♥ is in no way a reflection or measure of another person’s lovability.
Currently in week 3 of a new role at work. I was provided a new laptop which malfunctioned since Day 1. The IT dept had a look and returned it as fine, and when it continued to crash, I felt anxiety and shame; fearful of reporting that it was still not performing…maybe it is a reflection of me, me not performing, my undeniable lack of worthiness, my ability to be highly effective and to solve problems. An emotionally healthy person would be all: “Hey, this is still broke AF, yo—fix that shit and don’t bring it back till it fucken does what it is supposed to, kay?” 🙂 Since returning from training 2 weeks ago, the computer loses connectivity, compromising my work and time. I have passed more than half of my work hours on the phone with IT, who insist that the issues are resolved, even with zero evidence of that—mostly they have just gone through all remote check points and are “done”. Case closed. Just like with my mother. Case closed…now get TF over it. Move on. But what?? How??
Computer issues persist, and I do not believe that I am a computer breaking, troublemaking cry baby, asshole. Does requesting help illuminate the universal truth that: I am impossible and a failure–not worthy of time or effort? NO–So,I do ask. And it is decided that the device requires physical examination and service. It shipped expeditiously (very co$tly– conjuring old $hame) to IT to thoroughly address the issues(whose existence are evidence of what a loser I am). The laptop is overnighted for $224.00($hame: dealing with me is not worth it), worked on and expedited $$$ back to me.
Yay, now I shall get busy kicking ass, committed to proving that I am worthy and capable. Nope, now I cannot gain access to our network. Is this because I am a fuck up and a loser and God hates me as my family does, because I am awful and defective at a cellular level? No, it is because the computer is a known piece of shit and people within our organization, from all over the country are experiencing identical recurring issues.
I have a defective laptop. Sometimes, I make mistakes, I struggle, I lose my shit or have poor judgment—but these things are proof of being human, not of assholery. Judging, mocking, gossiping, and shaming imperfection or struggle make a person an asshole. Don’t be an asshole! Oh and lying—lying is super assholey–even if you believe your lies and get others to believe them too, they are still lies.
Is my computer broken because I suck? Was I discarded readily by my mother because I suck? Does my sister go down on my ex because I suck? Just kidding, she is either asexual or gay(she worries constantly that she might be) and I doubt he could deal with her even if she did a better job with her brows and mustache. Meow.. (very unwholesome, possibly hostile sentiments on my part, over her vile connection with him. I am hurt and angry. I am working on that.)–but metaphorically, she is reported to have her head buried pretty deeply in his lap. Gag…Better her than me.
I am a work in progress with a broken computer and a broken family. I can fix only myself. One day at a time.
