Monthly Archives: May 2018

What is Love?

About 5 years ago, still living in Los Angeles, while driving down 91, we passed a billboard that said I love Compton.  Puzzled, my boys were like “Why would anybody love Compton? ” They had been there a few times for doctors appointments, during our harder times and at times, for my work.  They knew it to be run down, scary-ish.  Many homeless people and loose dogs in need.  That question was such a blessing and opening to a profound conversation.  I surprised myself by being able able to explain to them the difference between liking a person, place, or thing and loving it.  I explained how sometimes we do not like each other one bit, but we always want what is best for each other and value working towards the best possible outcome. That this billboard is paid for by a group of people committed to elevating the quality of life for all people in this struggling community.  Love is a verb and often has little to do with our feelings and more to do with our values.  Love is honest, and kind–it is a way of being in the world.  Some people LOVE tacos or burgers and fast cars.  While we might enjoy these things, we love and care for people, places, and things because it is right and it is our purpose.  Some people run around HATING snakes, bugs, and broccoli.  But we do not hate, maybe just do not prefer.  We do not wish ill on them or need to destroy them.  We hate unkindness and dishonesty.  And yet we can love others(maybe from a safe distance) who behave in these ways.  We belong to each other.  All of us.  Everyone and all living things deserve to have their most basic needs met.  To get in the way of that is spiteful unloving. (more…)

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Abuse is Abuse

Sound Familiar? These are Big Red Flag StatementsSound familiar? So, this is my modified version of the Narcissists Prayer. I have re-evaluated my need to label others as addicts or narcissists.  In my attempt to recover, I found myself needing to know “but whyyyyy???”  And the singular answer of “because I suck” is no longer acceptable to me.  My upbringing taught me over decades of collective attitudes and actions, that any harsh treatment of me was either →imagined →fabricated, or →well earned.  And that is 100% deranged and untrue.  AND–It stands to reason that if I am willing to believe I can earn abuse or cause someone else to mistreat me, you know what else I believe…that another person may earn abuse or cause me to mistreat them.  

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Courage to Change

The Classic Fauxpology—CAUTION RED FLAG–Turn and walk away.

I get that my mother did the best she could…and STILL–what happened to me is not right or acceptable.  I know we differ in many ways, she and I,  one of the more pronounced ways, is that if and when I am struggling to understand and be present for either of my children, I count on friends, whom I call family, to stand in that gap, not to align with me against my sons.  My mother’s need to be right outweighed her need for connection with and protection of me.  She invited others to align with her, to shame or frighten me into something other…and I sure did become something other than what I was born to be in this world. Ashamed.  Angry.  Disconnected. Broken AF. (more…)

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The Zero-Sum Game–Everyone Loses

I cannot help but marvel at how “they” manufacture chaos and trouble so they can dole out punishment, while denying their anger.  A part of my mind says don’t speak or write about it, they will like that—making them feel all important and impactful.  The other part of me says “fuck them, I want the world to know what twisted assholes they can be”. And the recovery part of me says “Write about it if it helps you to sift and heal.  Share it to help others on a similar journey”. (more…)

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