Over the past decade, I have become very clear on my lack of desire to surround myself with likeminded people, so much as I do those whom are like-hearted. In fact, it would be terrifying to be surrounded by like-minded others. YIKES In recovery, we call our like-heartedness, unity of purpose, which makes it possible to genuinely want to help and support each other. What I mean– is that quality of life for me, is elevated by those who believe and practice the same static life principles as I do. Greg and I are such an unlikely match by all of my old measures. But we do share a unique like-heartedness.
Greg is naturally more gentle, patient, and willing than I am. (In truth, this could be said of even of the most mature toddler.) Still, Greg and I have highly compatible operating instructions. Nothing about the ways in which either of us operate, emotionally, socially, or morally, are troublesome to the other. We do not pretend, defend, or deny anything–and our greatest sources of laughter, connection, made up words and nick-names, stem from our own foibles, our shared humanity, our desire to learn and expand together(not identically but compatibly). We call ourselves out, so that we can collectively laugh and learn–again, together. We each guard and police only our own behaviors. Okay, sometimes we do monitor and supervise each other, but we do so openly and with apology and laughter. THIS is my first relationship in which defense is not part of the norm…because we each value being connected, more than being right or better than. Most of our jokes are about being right and blaming others for our own misconduct.
Those who value or demand perfection more than they do growth and connection, are toxic to me. I can do better each day, in fact that is my life’s purpose. But– perfection seems undeniably tethered to shame, fear, guilt, power, and often dishonesty. To me, perfection focuses more on appearance of how things are rather than how they actually are(Perfection is not, at all, the same as healthy striving). And the perfection vibe drives, in me, intense spiritual and physical unwellness.
I can not waste any more of my life defending or pretending, at the expense of learning and growing. My choice of healthy striving over perfection has proven offensive to those who find a sense of power in illuminating (overtly elevating) the optic of rightness and (shaming and diminishing) wrongness. And, it seems not so un-similar to bullying and exclusion. I accept that I do not belong everywhere. How could I? But to be near or tethered to those whom feel rightly compelled to demonize and exclude, is not something I choose for myself. I definitely do not belong. Agreed. Making mistakes or even upsetting someone does not make a wrong person, it makes a human person. Learning from mistakes is a thing. A real legitimate thing. And it is wholesome and badass. So, there. And only people who share this sentiment are on my list of people whose opinions matter.
It is not my flaws which upset the right and the perfect, it is my unwillingness to engage in blame, denial, or cowering in shame–bowing deeply in reverence to those who present themselves as better than, always smiling, even while doing wrong/harm in the name of their rightness. Perfect people also revere the illusion of emotional stoicism. I do believe in composure and aspire toward being better at it. But I do not judge feelings or emotions. I do kind of judge and fear the lack of. Those of us capable of feeling deeply, we are able to be compassionate and empathetic and these are two ways of being which I hold dear. It is FACT that you cannot be perfect and ALSO be either of these things.
I choose growth, learning, expansion, humility, compassion,empathy. I am completely human and fallible and I am also deeply spiritual and SO, I make better mistakes today than I did yesterday. I amend but do not defend. Zero mistakes is an unattainable mission. Also, people who are never wrong never apologize or amend. I still don’t really get how that makes for trust. Maybe one day I will better understand and appreciate that.
