Recovery Celebrations
I was alllwaaaays melting down-losing my shit. I had not learned healthy coping skills. For my first 40 years, secondary feelings about my feelings kicked my ass. In our home feelings…
Best Days of Our Lives
Last night, Bryan Adams' song "Best Days of Our Lives" played on the radio. For a moment I felt nostalgic, reminded of senior year, summer in particular where we were…
Shame on Who(or whom)?
You know, as I reflect back on my first 30 years, I no longer feel overtaken by shame. Shame for immense & unspeakable pain and my inability to manage myself…
Get Over It—Umm Okaaay
People with narcissistic personalities and behaviors often confuse holding a healthy boundary for holding a grudge. It is prudent,healthy, and fair to openly communicate an unavailability for more of the same diminishing…
DGAF–I Totally Give
This reminded me of Christmas Dinner 3 years ago while angsting over my contribution of a salad for the evening meal; worried that the dressing was not turning out. My…
I am sorry that…
You never apologized for hurting me but I apologized 12 times for how I handled that pain. That is how I was raised…apologizing for causing other people’s unfortunate behaviors, because…
Thank You for Teaching Me
And so I rise from godless, shame-filled decades of anger and despair as I learn and recover from the traumatic effects of the covert abuse dynamics. I am developing faith…
The Legacy of Rage
I contemplated deleting my last post because of all of the evidence of my anger–having difficult feelings is proof of defectiveness in my FOO, and cause for dismissal or debate. In my family of origin, I was the feeler, the over feeler, the overly sensitive one. Unable to mask or deny pain, anger, joy, confusion. I was not shown or taught to effectively manage my emotions in healthy ways. In recovery, I have learned that we cannot selectively numb feelings. Efforts to numb pain also block other feelings like joy and peace. So, I have all of these intense emotions, all of the feels, and I am trying to learn how to feel them AND not be
controlled by them. I am not ashamed of experiencing anger. Though my sometimes reactive behaviors do not elevate my self esteem. What does elevate it, is the practice of reflecting on it and being willing to own and amend what I can. My diminishing words & behavior are a reaction–a
reflection of what is going on inside me in that moment, usually fear can be found at the root. Deep sigh. (more…)
Serves You Right
I was raised on this line…frequently when I reported something personally difficult, unpleasant, or painful: physically or emotionally, I was told “serves you right”. The alternative response- a debate aimed at making me believe that I was imagining or misunderstanding my feelings and reality. The comfort was, I also heard they S.Y.R -message directed at all unfortunates in the world “serves them right” –clearly natural consequences for being asshole enough to voice that you might think, want, or feel differently from how my “family” did. So in this way only, I was not unique or alone. And so, I too hated all of them along side my family, and for obvious reasons, this made me lonelier and more terrified of life and people. Shared judgment and hate don’t make for a solid foundation of lasting and meaningful connection. It was not a hopeful point of departure.
I still hear the haunting message “Serves you right” and feel shame for things that would not cause shame for emotionally secure people, raised with a healthy senses of self, security, belonging, and boundaries. (more…)
Parenting and Power Struggles
My parenting game is NOT on point these days. Quick to jump in the ring with my son…I am not so unlike that defeated, blood and sweat covered boxer just swingin’ and hopin’ to connect. Neither dignity nor peace have been won in this way. Shit shit shit—healthy engagement has not been modeled for me and it is unnatural and hard AF. (more…)