“You can’t make me and neither can I.” I am almost finished with Gretchen Rubin’s Four Tendencies and this line really stayed with me. ???Hard truth. Discipline over my thinking is a daily struggle. I think as a result of having my reality challenged, debated, and dismissed for most of my life. I became obsessed with trying to prove my truths and adamantly resistant to those who insisted on trying to dictate my reality– and ultimately also gave up on self-discipline. The only things in charge of me were the fear, shame and guilt for feeling how I felt in the company of those who disapproved mightily and collectively.
Help with my thinking is the only thing for which I pray. Praying, for me, just means alone time dedicated to articulating my awareness of my need for help, from a power greater than myself. My will or the will of another human is not enough to get me to do, feel, believe a thing. My program offers me the tools to navigate and to allow my thinking and instincts to become changed, one day at a time. I will not be bullied by another person or group, or even myself, into living my best life. Flow not force!
The grief of my mother’s passing and the family to which I was born, wreaked havoc on my body this week, leaving me with debilitating sciatica. On the way to the accupuncturist, I passed the Cancer Treatment Center where I sat thru many treatments and drs visits with my late mother. I also drove past the hospital where she underwent some scary surgeries and recoveries. At the time, I was terrified, not that she would die, but of the proximity to my mother, my sister and her hubz. And that my mother and I would resume our historical dynamic, once she was well, as we had not done the work of healing. While she was ill, housebound, helpless, and lonely, she appreciated me, my presence. And once well enough, it seemed my only role was to submit to words and plans that openly diminished me.
Relocating my family, to be of service, in this critical time was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done (besides knowingly marrying someone identical to those I fled). Nobody could have forced me to or stopped me from our move, because it was the right thing to do. I am grateful that I did. And– it has been only slightly more painful than anything I would have dared to imagine.
