In recovery, my greatest endeavor and achievement to date, I get to have a God Of My Understanding (GOMU). Before connecting with my very own GOMU, shame, pride, and guilt were my guides– and I knew only dynamics, in which those were generously promised in spades.
In moments of pridefulness, I could justify doing and saying deeply hurtful things. In daily life, shame led me to and kept me in toxic relationships. I came to believe that people are assholes because I am a bitch–A loser, unworthy of love, kindness, protection and connection- and entirely responsible for unkind words and behaviors of others. It was odd to believe that I could cause all of the bad things said and done by others, as well as my own bad behavior. It made no sense. It is literally insane to think this way—maddening.
My resentment over this hypocrisy coupled with my inability to understand, change, or exit, grew to unmanageable proportions.
I lived in fear of my feelings, because they were intense and consistently invalidated and punished. I sought people who would do that (judge, dismiss, punish). That that was the “love” I learned.
Recovery is freeing me from sick thinking that directed me to yield to shame, guilt, fear, and pride. They make terrible guides and companions. Having a GOMU has allowed me to become right sized, playing neither big nor small. I get to practice living life on life’s terms WITH HEALTHY BOUNDARIES for myself.
My boundaries are my spiritual skin. They remind me that my job is to honor my needs, limits, and responsibilities. That is my job. So simple, but unfamiliar and challenging, especially with regards to parenting. I do pretty damn good with those to whom I did not give birth. I am consistently able to let go of a need to manage and control. Or to attack or defend when threatened.
But my boundaries become tangled up with my sons and I frequently react with emotion which is as historical as it is hysterical and damaging. With adults, I instinctively exit sticky entanglements and let TF go, because I am not in charge. But with my sons….it gets complicated. I accept that my job is to lead, guide, teach, not boss—but but but but…
I am a work in progress, reparenting my children right along side myself. Today is my mother’s birthday. I have a lot of feelings about how she did and did not parent me.
