Even, through my thirties, I had not learned to appropriately respond to harmful behaviors and words. Consistently, my uninformed and humiliating reactions stole the show, contributing greatly to the wreckage of my life.
Since the norm in my FOO is– to not take responsibility for harmful words, choices, behaviors, but rather to deny, minimize, label it a joke, or blame the person who has been hurt– I came to believe: I too, had no responsibility for my words and actions. But— that I did have the power to cause unfortunate words and behaviors to flow from others. Boy was I beaten down by sadness, fear, guilt, and shame about that.
I saw the only options as: 1) Pretend it didn’t happen (which I never learned to do). 2) Find a way to get even. 3) Find someone else to get in the crosshairs. 4) Be verrrrry careful to not disturb people and make them become abusive. 4) Be sorry all of the time.
I learned what I lived. As I am unlearning, I am breaking the cycles curses.
I now recognize that it is not ok to diminish or punish others. And it is ok and responsible to say NO to what harms me. Doing so, is neither an act of war nor rebellion- but part of my developing emotional and spiritual maturity.
My learning to say NO without apology, volume, or profanity– blew up our family system. As I could no longer be counted on to act like a lunatic and distract everyone from what was done with my over-the-top reaction to what was being done. Abandoning that script and role is one of my greatest recovery blessings. I no longer participate in things aimed at diminishing me or others. And I take responsibility for only myself. #winning
For anyone engaged with a family committed to healing, enjoy your blessings. If you remain tethered to a family, in which common practices include alienation and are suggestive that some people matter more than others, KNOW THIS—It stinks!!! AND You are not alone and you have choices(If you are not sure what those are—find a meeting, any 12 step meeting. You will find help and hope there). All of the choices might suck, but some will surely sting less than others.
I am allowing myself to heal and to hold strong boundaries around what I will and will not do. I choose healing — anyone/anything that interferes with that must go.
Wholesome and healing love is kind, never cruel. For the holidays, I wish those practicing any other kind of love, much peace and healing, from over here.
