My relationships before recovery were so distrusting and volatile, and could literally snap under the weight of even the slightest tension. It was not safe or accepted to openly experience difficult feelings. For someone like me, naturally high strung and an utter failure at pretending otherwise, this was terrifying, because the tension made me more tense. It was always the beginning of another unspeakable divide— resulting in hostile words or deadly and lasting silence. My tension was consistently identified as the cause. Any call for consideration or understanding of any sort, was labelled as “having to walk on eggshells”. To me, eggshells come from the pretending. Pretending to not be hurting, pretending to have not been hurtful.
As an adult with recovery, I can create the safety and trust I needed and deserved as a child. Emotional honesty is now a requirement in each of my chosen relationships. Kindness too!
The other night, Sweet Greg attempted to speak to me a few times— when I was resting, and I snapped at him. I maaaay have used the word fuck in my edgy reaction. I promptly apologized in our jokey way, “Hey babe, I am sorry you made me do that”. No time was wasted denying or glossing over my harmful tone. We laughed and it was behind us– because we both knew that I was sorry for my unfair behavior. We have the best laughs and inside jokes about our missteps and disagreements. Between us, there exists no bitterness, no buried resentments. Four years—how is that even possible? Recovery–that is how.
