Discovering that there is a name for this disease of perceptions and relationships, was the beginning of my healing. Every meeting offers the gift of hearing and sharing about matters, which once defied articulation and remained off limits for discussion. Finally!! No longer alone, ashamed, guilty, terrified. I began to heal.
In each meeting we are reminded that we don’t cause it and cannot cure it. We slowly let go of the painful myth which insists that we imagine, cause, deserve(and my favorite): we are too sensitive to those things which hurt us. The sick culture of “the problem/abuse/adiciton/lies(…) is not a problem—ONLY your reaction is the problem”. We, who find recovery are blessed beyond measure, others will develop reliance on blame, denial, and self soothing substances and habits. Recovery allows us to transcend pain, rather than extend the pain to others. Healing or offloading seem to be the only options. This type of damage and pain does not heal itself and time does not undo or change it. It requires work—-Ongoing focused commitment to the work of examination, self reflection, amending, and active healing.
All Twelve Step Programs teach healthy and sane choices for how to live life, freeing us from the need to control or fully understand the insensitivity, dishonesty, secrecy, and pretenses which naturally flow from life in a family who has been affected. The disease of alcoholism/addiction is generational and toxic patterns are passed down. Even if it is a grandparent, aunt, or uncle with addiction or mental illness of any sort, IT affects and shapes every member of the family. Nobody is spared. Recovery offers simple steps, principles, and practices for how to Live and Let Live, One Day at a Time—no matter what others do or do not do.
Live and let live—I practice this best, by doing one next right thing at a time: (appropriate) self care(upkeep and maintenance—not gluttonous and avoidant self soothing), my actual responsibilities, and appropriate service (not enabling or people pleasing). This allows me to live my own life, experiencing as much serenity, grace, and mercy as possible.
I struggle to follow this Good Orderly Direction when my practice of faith is weak and my obsession (with what others are or are not doing) is strong.
I admit to feeling obsessed over continued unwholesome BS of my sister and ex– which perpetuates and widens our division as co-parents. I am deeply pained over how it continues to affect our children. Their father made a knowingly harmful and divisive choice. And in turn, I elected to terminate a long term favor to him– which was already unpleasant and stressful to me– AND– his only effort to examine this natural consequence— was to ask our son why he told me. How is it possible to feel both unsurprised and shocked by this?? It is the disease, cunning, baffling, powerful. I read recently that: after vilifying a person, there is only one thing left to do, wage war. I refuse to engage their war. I do my recovery/life — one next right thing at a time, the best I can. But fuck, I sure would like to retaliate. My shreds of recovery stop me. I also kind of obsess over what I am rumored to have done which allows people to tolerate or justify their harmful behavior. This is the culture of alcoholism.
I love love love that my boy courageously responded to his father’s condemning inquiry: “What–Was I supposed to lie to her?” His father’s response: “I guess not”. I feel possessed, utterly. AYFKM? Do a shitty thing and then try to shift blame onto a child for your own fucked up choices and natural consequences. Here is my recovery—-When you become a source of harm to my family, I will not come after you, I become unapologetically less accessible motherfukker. Oh AND Hey, I have an idea: Don’t be a sneaky coat tailing, social climbing, money grubbing shit and don’t involve children in things which harm them. I AM So fucken powerless and deep into MY Step Zero, this morning. I may not be my most wholesome or badass self at this time. I am aware. I will continue working on myself.
