Shame is confirmation of emotional and spiritual unwellness. I know of no other thing which will so swiftly turn a person to unkindness, dishonesty, and fraud: desperate to do and say anything to offload or escape the shame of feeling less than–to deny the unbearable sense of unworthiness.
Over the weekend, at a wrestling match with peers, my younger son said something diminishing about his brother to their group. The comment was 100% intended to make big brother feel small and separate. It worked. This is a frightening pattern of behavior, which runs deep and wide through both sides of my sons’ families.
Big Brother’s reaction to feeling unsure and wrong footed, was to deny the thing which his brother reported. Little Brother’s mocking and bonding with others, at BB’s expense were hurtful and harmful. AND little brother, who is exceptional in his inherited lying and bullying skill sets, is eager to point out how Big Brother lied, while showing zero interest in self-reflection for his darkness part. Hopefully, this is nothing more than standard middle school insecurity / meanness, which he will outgrow.
We are breaking the generational curses of lying, bullying, alienating, and shaming. Each of which are found to be linked to loneliness, disconnection, addiction. We will not UNknowingly default to these ways. We shall, together, look head on and regularly, into the reality of these issues.
I am grateful for discussions of how to manage ourselves in situations where someone is belittling. We shall be intentional in our wellness: practicing kindness, honesty, humility, courage, boundaries, and offering generous space to those imposing anything other. Becoming and staying well is a daily practice and process.
Take a moment to be thankful for the healing and humble people in this world who neither suffer from nor arouse shame. In their presence, we get to be and feel free. Choose freedom. Offer freedom. Unrecovered me needs to say; “Don’t be a shaming asshole. If you are a shamer, it is because you have shame. Heal that shit and quit offloading it. Grow TF up.”
