Natural consequences are outcomes that happen as a result of behavior, which are not planned or controlled. For example, if a student cuts in front of another student in line, the natural consequence may be that the other child won’t play with the “cutter” at recess.
If the student who was cut in line, decides to harm the cutter- to get revenge: That is not a natural consequence, that is retaliation. I know this seems basic— but there are literally grown ass adults who seem to not understand this. Before recovery, I definitely practiced righteous retaliation because that is what I had witnessed and learned and then what I married(Karma??). I am unlearning.
Logical consequences are different from punishment in some important ways: Logical consequences may be planned in advance by a parent, teacher, or law enforcement. They are not reactive or angry responses. One example might be if a child breaks curfew, they may lose the privilege of going out the following night. Logical consequences offer something more valuable than the tyrannical message of “You will pay”.
My younger son(age 11), so bright and agile in all ways, seems literally unable (or unwilling) to differentiate between blackmailing and natural consequences. After being mean and mocking to his older brother (age 13), refusing to stop when asked. Big Brother elected to not share his highly treasured RC charger with him for a while. Natural, right?? When you are diminishing to me, I will need to protect myself and my belongings from you until trust is restored. I will want space from you. Little Brother remained mad about his loss of access to the charger, taking no ownership for his part..feeling only victimized and punished but not sorry for being cruel.
When my sons walk the dog, Big holds the leash and Little picks the poo. Little was agitated that his brother wanted to wear ear buds and listen to his pod cast and insisted he would only pick the poo, after Big Brother turned off the podcast. WTF?? (A recent but not great example of what it is like)
Later that day, Big Brother loaned Little his RC battery and when he went to use it himself, it was no longer working. Little brother was like “I did not do anything to it. He said I could use it.” Since I encourage sharing, I offered to replace the battery, thinking Little would offer to help pay after hearing that when a person or their belongings are compromised by something we do, we have a moral responsibility to make it right. He did not offer.
I think Little Brother may be afraid to accept that certain ways of being are harmful and wrong– because it would be too painful for him to admit that his father consistently behaves in ways which have observably negative consequences for our little family. Behaviors are wrong though, not people. Our behavior is our choice. (THIS is exactly why I am excited to begin my study of Ethics. I must discuss and understand this matter deeply.)
I continue to marvel and stress over my inability to get more buy in from him, for healthy boundaries and accountability. He has too many well dressed models doing only as they like and claiming to be victimized by natural consequences. Models who feel vested with the right to impose punishment on those who displease them. My son is literally being groomed by and for narcissism and addiction. I am terrified. Screwing people over and taking what is not yours, is not a natural consequence. There is only one reason to behave that way…lack of mental and spiritual development and wellness.
When my ex did the knowingly harmful Christmas thing, mentioned in previous post, I elected to no longer inconvenience myself in the name of service to him. That is not a punishment or revenge, but a sane effort to distance myself from a person who is decidedly harmful.
There also seems to be a lack of discernment for harmful v. displeasing. Hellllp! I may not be able to break this cycle of dysfunction–but I will certainly disrupt it. What I hope for my boys: They will choose kindness and honesty (and health and happiness too, but healthy and happy are results and consequences, while kind and honest are daily choices)
I will close by saying that if you are unhappy or hurt about something someone did, there are moral and responsible choices. Confront them directly if you wish to restore trust and to heal, or move TF on. Gossip, reprisal, and retaliation are dark, immature, and sick. Be better than that. I am learning one day at a time what it means to make wholesome choices – to say No to things that pull hard at my desire to retaliate or to choose the thing which is easy and familiar. I cannot take revenge without diminishing myself and I refuse to do that, anymore. The urge is sure there, though. Boy, is it. I am a work in progress. I can do hard things.
Natural consequences are outcomes that happen as a result of behavior that are not planned or controlled. For example, if a student cuts in front of another student in line, the natural consequence may be that the other child won’t play with the “cutter” at recess.
If the student who was cut in line, decides to harm the cutter- to get revenge: That is not a natural consequence, that is retaliation. I know this seems basic— but there are literally grown ass adults who seem to not understand this. Before recovery, I definitely practiced righteous retaliation because that is what I had witnessed and learned and then what I married(Karma??). I am unlearning.
Logical consequences are different from punishment in some important ways: Logical consequences may be planned in advance by a parent, teacher, or law enforcement. They are not reactive or angry responses. One example might be if a child breaks curfew, they may lose the privilege of going out the following night. Logical consequences impose something more valuable than dominance and external control.
My younger son(age 11), so bright and agile in all ways, seems literally unable (or unwilling) to differentiate between blackmailing and natural consequences. After being mean and mocking to his older brother (age 13), refusing to stop when asked. Big Brother elected to not share his highly treasured RC charger with him for a while. Natural, right?? When you are diminishing to me, I will need to protect myself and my belongings from you until trust is restored. I will want space from you. Little Brother remained mad about his loss of access to the charger, taking no ownership for his part..feeling only victimized and punished but not sorry for being cruel.
When my sons walk the dog, Big holds the leash and Little picks the poo. Little was agitated that his brother wanted to wear ear buds and listen to his pod cast and insisted he would only pick the poo, after Big Brother turned off the podcast. WTF?? (A recent but not great example of what it is like)
Later that day, Big Brother loaned Little his RC battery and when he went to use it himself, it was no longer working. Little brother was like “I did not do anything to it. He said I could use it.” Since I encourage sharing, I offered to replace the battery, thinking Little would offer to help pay after hearing that when a person or their belongings are compromised by something we do, we have a moral responsibility to make it right. He did not offer.
I think Little Brother may be afraid to accept that certain ways of being are harmful and wrong– because it would be too painful for him to admit that his father consistently behaves in ways which have observably negative consequences for our little family. Behaviors are wrong though, not people. Our behavior is our choice. (THIS is exactly why I am excited to begin my study of Ethics, this week. I must discuss and understand this matter deeply.)
I continue to marvel and stress over my inability to get more buy in from him, for healthy boundaries and accountability. He has too many well dressed models doing only as they like and claiming to be victimized by natural consequences. Models who feel vested with the right to impose punishment on those who displease them. My son is literally being groomed for narcissism and addiction. I am terrified. Screwing people over and taking what is not yours, is not a natural consequence. There is only one reason to behave that way…lack of mental and spiritual development and wellness.
When my ex did the knowingly harmful Christmas thing, mentioned in previous post, I elected to no longer inconvenience myself in the name of service to him. That is not a punishment or revenge, but a sane effort to distance myself from a person who is decidedly harmful.
There also seems to be a lack of discernment for harmful v. displeasing. Hellllp! I may not be able to break this cycle of dysfunction–but I will certainly disrupt it. What I hope for my boys: They will choose kindness and honesty (and health and happiness too, but healthy and happy are results and consequences, while kind and honest are daily choices)
I will close by saying that if you are unhappy or hurt about something someone did, there are moral and responsible choices. Confront them directly if you wish to restore trust and to heal, or move TF on. Gossip, reprisal, and retaliation are dark, immature, and sick. Be better than that. I am learning one day at a time what it means to make wholesome choices – to say No to things that pull hard at my desire to retaliate or to choose the thing which is easy and familiar. I cannot take revenge without diminishing myself and I refuse to do that, anymore. The urge is sure there, though. Boy, is it. I am a work in progress. I can do hard things.
