If the opportunity to exchange goodbyes with my mother had been possible… I would have wept, thanked, apologized, forgiven–even if she remained silent and unreceptive. It could have been beautiful. There could have been healing.
I can only imagine how that might have been for the two of us.
Today (or tomorrow or the next day), I will write a letter to my mother, in which I will express my anger, sadness, grief, pain, gratitude, fear, longing, regret, resentment, and forgiveness. All the things I was not to openly need, feel or say, I will feel and say.
To those who righteously stood squarely in the way, yes, you possess the power to divide. That is clear and undeniable. (That is nothing to brag.) And– I am embracing my power to feel and to heal. Congratulations on robbing my mother, her daughter, and her grandsons from a wholesome ending. Perhaps one day you will be courageous enough to seek the strength to consider the nature of your behavior and then maybe even take accountability for your actions. This is unlikely. I am decades from being able to forgive the pain and struggle you impose(d), simply because you can/could—and for reasons which would be humbling for anyone with the ability or willingness to examine and self reflect. No matter what it is you claim I have done, your divisive antics reflect only who you are and what you are like-the essence of your spirit and character.
Was it worth it? What point has been established– about you and by you?
I will continue to work on the practices of mercy and compassion because my anger for you hurts my children-and me.
