In a speech I heard today, it was said that “Patriotism is not loyalty to the president but to the country (in our case, the democracy)”. That brand of love for our country would allow us to unite in elevating the quality of life for all of the people. As I feel flattened by what is happening politically, I am reminded of the similar system in my family of origin and then marriage. In each, there is a person who declares their own personal agenda as equaling the best interest of the family, even while actively discounting dignity, humanity, and most basic, though differing, needs of some of its members.
Non- reverence to that person, will leave one morally excluded from the group’s conditional protection and inclusion. In this way, there is no room for collective growth or expansion. A strictly Zero-Sum mentality: “If I don’t dominate, destroy, exile one who challenges me, then I lose and they win.” One winner and one loser. Win-win is an impossibility. So, it makes sense to me, why the ongoing political chaos feels triggering AF.
On an almost related note… I have been informed now, of several instances in which one of my sons is punished by his father for revealing (to me–I AM his mother. He betrays no one by turning to me) disturbances during their weeks with him. So, my son shares but feels terrified that I will say something. Requiring emotionally developing children to keep silent secrets and to not honestly communicate pain or difficulty, is damaging–abusive.
Today, something traumatic for one of my sons occurred, actually, I suspect both are traumatized at some level -but only one of them panicked and called me for comfort. He called — hyperventilating — literally unable to regulate his breathing. The other will feel entirely blameless and disinterested in discussing and learning from his part in the event. It is bizarre and painful to observe one of my sons carrying all of the family guilt and shame and the other –none at all. The cycle has not yet been broken.
So not only did the thing happen, a thing which endangered the life of their puppy and my sons, — it was not mentioned or discussed, at all with or by their dad. My son said he felt insane—each acting as if nothing happened and also knowing THAT if he brings it up, he will be charged with creating drama. So if he brings pain to me, he is scolded as a tattle tale/snitch (such bullying language) by his dad –and if he brings it up directly to his father, he is acccused of creating drama. What a gaslighty bullshit situation. He will not be offered comfort or guidance– but diminished. I believe it makes their dad feel non-perfect for me to know that it is super hard at times. I fkn know it and live it. I am so grateful for my comfort with imperfection and vulnerability.
What in the actual fuck? This thing that is being demanded of growing boys, to not discuss the hard things (or else)—is not loyalty or even privacy. It is abuse of power and it makes me (and children) sick. This is like a playbook for HOW TO destroy a person’s sense of self, connection, and reality. Fuck.
