There have been no times when I have felt more bored and lonely than when I am trying to fit in. Being with people who are not interested to see, know, or hear the actual me, requires little of my interest and all of my energy. Recovery is teaching me about appropriate and healthy trying.
Trying is suitable for things which are difficult and in which growth and improvement are the natural and desired outcomes. Is there even a good reason to get good and pretending to belong, at the expense of actual belonging? Trying to fit in, be cool, be liked, to be perceived a certain way or to be heard (in places where I am consistently not) now serves as an indicator that it is time to move on— to people and places where I will be seen, welcome, free, safe, and expected to show up as myself, when and for as long as I am able.
Where my being has been perceived as too much, too different, difficult, subversive, or direct- my being was not the problem. I have never been wrong for being. Though, admittedly, I have absolutely had wrong behavior — when I held wrong beliefs about connection, belonging, and truth. As I know better, I do better. I am a work in progress. Today, after a full 24 hours of self-imposed solitary confinement, I feel rested and able. And, I am enjoying more being, connecting, and doing than tryyyyying.
