There was not a single moment with family or my husband type person- the person who went after all my shit–with endorsements by my female sibling (it literally makes me ill to refer to him as anything other than the father of my children), in which I experienced even a glimpse of pride or protection. I was neither safe from them nor with them— Those decades were the Most Unsafe and shameful times. It was very dysregulating….not knowing how to find safety or to be a safe person. And still the most punishing part, was believing I caused, deserved, and imagined the harmful ways of those in charge of loving me. Lil Magda and even Big Magda needed and deserved a guardian, a nurturer, a guide, a courageous truth seeker/teller.
I now experience flashes of pride and protection within my chosen relationships. They are healthy people and healthy connections. But I have a ways to go in my healing before I will be able to just feel and stay present to what is. I am still highly dysregulated and learning to live life fully remains my greatest challenge. But I do know how to be safe.
