So based on my boys’ father’s recent behavior/mood, I assumed he either had managed to wrangle some female attention from someone other than his sisters or mine or found the right kind of pot. Who knows.. maybe just his brain chemistry was level for a minute, he cycles pretty regularly. His non aggression never lasts and I continue to try to find a pattern outside of the striking similarity to my sister’s moods and attitudes…reward, fawn, flatter, subtly or overtly criticize, condemn with gossip, ignore, demand, alienate, passively strike below the radar. Anywhom, it would seem as though the pot, girl, or mood did not last.
Friday was my boys’ day to return to me for our week together. In the morning, my older son called to ask if he could ride the schoolbus here. Of course he can. So we planned for that. Following that, I sent a 4 way text to boys and dad telling my younger son he was welcome to also take the bus here and we would collect their things later in the evening. With no response, as boys were in school and dad not openly objecting, I assumed younger son would also ride the bus home. But he called me right after school in a panic saying he did not know what to do. Because….
Rather than responding to group text to say No, that wont work for me, his dad text him privately to say “Disregard your mom’s text. I will pick you up.”
What unnecessary drama and stress. Who even does shit like that? Oh wait. I know two people who do many things-JUST like that. But for goodness sake, can children not be spared unnecessary confusion and conflict?
What an asshole. I am so tired of experiencing this very familiar brand of chaos and conflict. It is triggering because of the madness of what he did with my sister. So when he does the things, it reminds me of all of the bullshit she did, does to erase and silence me- to strike me from the record.
How am I supposed to not hate a person who imposes hardship and risk on my young boys? I have not found my willingness yet to surrender his insanity. Recovery reminds me daily, to surrender…to accept the things I cannot change. One day at a time. BUT—I dont want to accept it. I guess, for today, I am back at Step Zero.
AND it is all so fkn gaslighty. Oh really, have I caused you to be sneaky and abusive, again? Very sad that my sons are subjected first to his troublemaking and then also my emotional reactions. But they are clearly witnessing first hand- what he DOES and does not do. He continues to show them, so I do not have to.
