For only the briefest of moments, I considered feigning, here, as if I felt purely serene and celebratey about today, Thanksgiving. But why? For whom would I be posing? Recovery frees me from the urge to seek approval from the disapproving. If a person sits in judgement of my struggle and pain, or my sharing of it, that is not my concern. Those are the folks from whom I am unhooking and healing.
Last night, I slept poorly and in the hours intended for rest, I obsessed about difficult and scary Thanksgivings with my FOO and in my unfortunate marriage, in which certain others felt it was their duty to insure that each person have the exact holiday experience that they wanted them to have: either feeling safe and included or excluded and overlooked- a cautionary example for all to witness and heed.
My boys and I are excited to spend THIS day with Favorite and family, where we are unconditionally welcome, wanted, included. Favorite was gracious enough, to suggest: “if you are feeling generous, feel free to invite the boys’ father”. She gets that in my vision of our cross country move, I was most hopeful about our continued ability to work together, as co-parents, sharing responsibility and special occasions. So, I asked the boys to find out if their had plans(with others), which I doubted. He does not. It was decided. I shall invite him, even sensing the likelihood of him rejecting the offer in some way which would leave me feeling degraded.
I was thrilled at the idea of my children having mom and dad again, able to celebrate and commune, at the same table (and in knowing that no matter what Favorite and family know of our story, that they would include him fully- not just “allow” but also shun him). Because they pull for us as a family.
After further examination of this option, with both Sweet Greg and Favorite, it was made clear for me, that A) He does not deserve it and B) this is an (emotionally and mentally) unsafe plan for me. I would surely fool myself into believing that a shared holiday celebration is evidence that the boys’ father has now decided in fact, to surrender his need to position himself as an enemy and threat to me- which opposes his consistent patterns of behavior. I argued that while I do agree that he does not “deserve” it, my boys deserve it. And- Mercy is not earned but offered. Favorite rebuttled with “Yes, AND–him asking you for help and you showing up to help, would be merciful but you offering access to the sacred, is something else entirely”.
I feel disconsolate(for my boys), that their dad is all alone—and also cannnot be with us for our holiday tradition, which we love and treasure. I told them they could offer themselves to him for Thanksgiving if that felt like the right thing to do. I will not lie or pretend though, that I have not had some schadenfreude thoughts of: Ha ya bastard! You tried to crush me, repeatedly—To snatch at what was not yours and NOW you are fkn left with the results of your best efforts, only yourself. And still, my truthiest truth is THAT I want us to coparent in peace, if not also some harmony, sharing the hard and necessary and also celebrations and achievements. I will always want and be open to the healing required to do that. And I have recovery to help me navigate, to be merciful and also honest about the very real responsibility to protect my space from that which knowingly threatens it.
