Oh the draining mindfuckery of dealing with someone married to their zero sum fixed mindset. The boys’ father literally can not feel significant/ almighty unless he percieves that he has rendered me irrelevant, invalid. He has outright told the boys, in writing “disregard your mom”, not because I am flipping out but for sharing relevant logistical, like deniably factual shit, which does not suit his agenda. Also, full transparency and disclosure are very non-preferred by him and he retalliates against them.
He tends to derive a sense of satisfaction and power through dedicated efforts to diminishing or excluding another. It is as if he is unable to feel a part of a thing unless someone else is visibly on the outside, preferably by his hand(or mouth). Very entitled – greedy grabber.
The boys have remained with him for more than two weeks for Quarantine. There has been minimal contact with them. Because how might they demonstrate reverence and blind allegiance as he demands, and then also still acknowledge and connect with me, while on his turf under his watch? What sort of a monster creates a divide for children in this way? Oh, wait, I know exactly what kind. Cuz– “You are either with me or against me”. I remind my boys regularly, that I would prefer to have them alligned against me than each other.
Their father however, does not feel similarly. As long as any one person is colluding with him against another, he feels secure. The way he uses them and pits them against me or each other is shameless. Actaully shameful. Both, I suppose. I dont want them to believe they need to choose between us. BUT I do insist that I will not be gaslit into thinking that I only percieve their dad as being divisive, cruel, and dishonest— in overt ways – which are observable, and not hinged to me saying that he did a thing. They too are being gaslit, being served a narrative which conflicts with what they witness, first hand. How will they ever learn to trust? themselves, each other, their parents?
Perhaps these posts may one day be useful to them as a point of reference, when they are in therapy, recovery or deep into drugs. They are literally being groomed for lives of disconnection and mental unwellness. I find it unbearable.
I have some health concerns atm and I wish I could say that I hope I don’t get taken out early, exiting before the end of the third quarter. Would he be less devilish without their mother as his proclaimed and sole source of his failure to connect socially and achieve peace, wealth, and happiness? Most likely, he would find away to manipulate my passing to elicit pity and connection in the name of the boys but actually for himself. I fantasize over his outrage over how I would arrange my estate distribution so that he would have no knowledge of the matter. No idea. No say. No access. Plus also, I do not cause his behavior, he will just need to find a different excuse for himself.
I do not feel that my boys must go to college. I will support them finding their way, though they do seem to be on a college track. Their dad, however, who did not attend college and has declared he will not pay for their college, insists they must go. Cray Cray. YOu must do a thing which I have not done and will not fund, regardless of what you want. He is eager to TRY and allocate the money left by MY mother. Because he is desperate to feel in control of how those sums shall be spent.
Also, because he at some level knows he may be losery, he relies on our sons for re-defining or re-casting himself -so climbery and usery, his constant quest to be associated with anyone else’s status and wealth, which he fails to achieve. Sadly, his greatest achievement conquest seems to be me, my house, my money, my social circle, my family, my assets. Sadder though, I knowingly threw it all away because I did not believe I could do better than to be used. At first feeling generous, as if I were sharing, and then realizing, it would all be extracted and diminished with or without my consent.
With their grades and my current income, my boys can count on the most financial aid and scholarship and save their TRU$T for what they choose, as it was intended. It was not meant to ease the way for their dad or me, but for them. What a gift my mother left to THEM—To exit college or whatever and have a nice pot of money for property or a start up or anything, really. Catherine G Whitney
